In sickness and in health

Warning :self harm, suicidal ideation, bulimia, anorexia, mental disorders.

I got sick today. Like really sick.

And I know what you are thinking, why the hell did I just tell you about my five min date with the butt throne.

Well my dear people I am telling you this because it made me feel good.

Yes as I sat there puking my guts out all I could think of was

‘This isn’t so bad at all. A few months of this and I can finally be pretty’

Even know I sit here trying to make more come up because I want to lose this weight. I want to be skinny because to me that equals beauty. Now I do not hold this standard to everyone. People can be beautiful no matter what their size may be but I can’t. I will never be beautiful. I will never be someone who people want to give seconds looks. I am barely someone they want to see at the corner of their eye.

Not to say I believe me to be disgusting but I do find myself to be distasteful…borderline disgusting.

I hate myself so much that for a mins while getting sick I wanted to keep doing it. I wanted it all to go away. I kept thinking about all the disgusting foods I can shove down my throat just to have a reason to puke.

So I can be skinny

So I can be beautiful.

I will like to make a point to say that I also have the flu or a cold..whatever sickness this is I have it.

So I did not set out for today to puke up my delicious chicken tortilla soup with extra sour cream combined with a to die foe root beer float. I would have actually liked to have been able to digest that, thank you very much.

But once it happened, I felt relief. I felt alive.

This reminded me of something though. It reminded me of my addiction to cutting.

Both of these cause me great pain but in the end they bring me the greatest pleasure.

Through the pain I know that I am alive. I feel powerful. I feel beautiful. I feel as though I can finally see the light. Do you know how addicting it can be to have all that when your normal is constant darkness and paranoia. To finally have some clarity.

I can see the colors!

All the pretty pretty colors.


I know how destructive this can be. I know what it looks like for someone to starve themselves to lose weight. I know what it looks like for someone to accidently kill themselves.

I know the end result of my addiction.

So I don’t follow through with my temptations. No matter how much my mind tells me that I need to.

Instead I wait with anticipation for the next I cut or burn my skin by accident. I await that moment when I can spend hours in the bathroom due to some illness.

I no longer inflict these wounds on myself.

Instead I wait for someone else to do it for me.

All praise mother Gaia and karma.

May they serve me the pain I need to stay alive.



Today I do not really feel good. My depression is getting to me. I can not leave my house unless someone actually makes me leave. I can’t say no to invite no matter how much I want to.

I sit and struggle to stay awake. Sleeping forever seems like such a good idea right now.

I get so frustrated….so angry with just about everything.

My daughter was singing today and it felt as though she was scrapping her nails against a chalkboard. Not to say she couldn’t sing but the sound. The fact that she was happy and singing made me so mad. I had to leave the room. I apologized for telling her to stop. No! Not telling, I freaking yelled for her to stop.

She got so upset so I apologized, but the anger was still there.

I had to leave the room for a bit. I didn’t go back for maybe 30 mins or more. Just hid in my room and cried.

I am doing this all on my own. I have friends but I can’t feel it. Like there is a void that is stopping me from accepting the fact that people…Care

It hurts. I know that it is there and it hurts. I hate myself for feeling this way, but who can I talk to? I feel as though I am being judged all the time. So who can I talk to? Who can really help me understand that things are not what they seem.



Honestly I am just going through the motions.

Wading through this until it ends. That is all I can do. So I do it.

I am ever grateful for the people who put up with me regardless.


How did this happen?

Sitting in the bathroom waiting for the day to pass.

Pretending that I am doing something, fake sounds of passing gas

Hope they don’t hear me but don’t want them to see

Hiding in the bathroom cause I can’t seem to breathe

In my place of solitude I listen in

Hear their laugher, imagine their smiles

Such a good time they are having without me

So how did this happen?

How did it come to this?

How did it get to the point where I am hiding in the bathroom

Pretending to take a major shit

Listen to them joking

At the party I can’t join

So I am hiding in the bathroom

Till I can’t hear the screaming anymore.

Who am I?

Dearest sister,

Sometimes I can’t remember my own name. It sounds so foreign to me when others say it. Who am I really? Are my memories truly mine? Or are they just another part of my imagination.

I can not tell reality from dreams any more. Sometimes I wake up disappointmente in things that never happened, sometimes I can’t react to things that truly did.

What’s wrong with me, dear sister?

Why can’t I remember my own face?

Why are all my memories of me looking down. As if someone else is living through me.

Sister, who am I ?

Do you even know?

In this never ending nightmare, what part of me is just for show?

Forced nightmare

I remember it all and not a day goes by that I don’t try to forget. Drown my troubles in my own dark vices. Some gaming, music, books…. Drown my sorrows in false realities.  World’s of vampires, of dragons, of magic and passion. Filled to the brim with things they aren’t and may never be.
But why do you continue to force love out of me?
I am trying to move past, in my own special way. So why make me relive it, every fucking single day. Why make me feel pain for not wanting to go insane?
Why make me hide my true feelings for some else?  Why should I when they won’t even do the same for me.
I should suffer for their happiness. 
Forget the horrors they helped give me.
So what!!? Why did I need to pretend to forget? That I don’t have anymore nightmares. That going to the bathroom doesn’t scare me. I can’t work without jumping everytime a person moves to close. Sudden movements scare the shit out of me. People. …people disgust me.
Especially females. Untrustworthy.  I just over feeling like many of them were nothing but useless worms. People who are more then willing to sit there as a child is hurt.

I know better now. I know so much better now.
Doesn’t change that fact that at one point I was scared to do normal things. Couldn’t bath, couldn’t eat, all I did was sleep.
I am getting better. But don’t you dare force love unto me. Don’t you dare try to make me forgive someone who shouldn’t be forgiven.


I want…what the heck do I want. Do I want to sit in bed and cry.
Or do I want to go on an adventure. The adventure never goes right and staying in bed is a bad idea all on its own.

Outside maybe? Nope, there are people out there.
Maybe I should take a bath. That would require me to move. Yes laying in bed all day is bad..but is it really that bad?

Maybe I can fake it. Force myself to go get something to eat and then take out the trash. I am not hungry though. The trash is full but it can wait another day or two. There are people still aside.
They may hurt me…what if they hurt me…
But..but…I can’t stay in bed…I have to get up and do something.
I am scared though. I am scared to greet the day. I am scared of failing. Scared of winning. I am scared at not knowing.
Bed…yes…my bed is my safe place. ..but…but what if it isn’t.
What if the nightmares come back. What if the whispers start. I have to find another place. I have to find a safer place…

I need to hide. ….but…but where…

I am so scared

Pray for me

Something is calling my name.
Something is driving me insane.
Is whispers in the dark. Telling lies and ripping me apart.
Calling my name in words I can’t understand.
Telling me things
Horrible things
It is creeping up on me.
Ever near…
Always close by

It can smell my fear.

My heart rate quickens and I beg it to slow.

I just want to sleep.
I don’t want to feel.
I just want to pretend like none of this is real.
I am afraid
I can’t take this much more.
Then it starts to wane.
I can hear my own thoughts again.
The whisper calms down
My heart slows down
For now…