Search and Find

What was that feeling I just felt?

The one that made my body shake.

The one that made question fate?

What is it called

When my mind starts to fall

And my heart begins to beat

What is this emotion that makes it hard for me,

To stand on my own two feet?

I can’t seem to think

I can’t seem to find

The answer I know hides so very deep inside

What is this emotion called

When all the world begins to fade

When your very embrace

Makes me feel so whole

What is it called

And why can’t I remember it

Feels like forever since I last had a name for it

When was the last time I felt so alive?

When was the last time I felt I could survive.

In your warm arms I am at home

What is the word to describe  this so.

A/N there ya go. I tried to find the words and I still can’t seem to get it right. This is as close as I am going to get to what I felt when I first met ya.

I was lonely and needed a friend and you were there for me. It made me so happy… it still makes me so happy that I have you in my life. I thank the higher beings everyday for ya. Thank you so very much for all you do and put up with.

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Love and Protect

Please have mercy on me

My heart is broken from abuse

Take care to hold it close

Never trust it to another soul.

Please have mercy on me

I no longer know how to love

Hold me close and

tell me that I can saved

Tell me that things will be ok.

Be there for me when I crash

Be there for me when I can’t see through the past.

I promise to be there for you in turn

but for now

Take mercy on me

I do not know if I can do this once more.

I can’t remember the last time my heart was whole.

It has been broken by so many before

Take care to not give it to another soul

They may tear it apart before your return

I wonder what it feels like to love

Hold me close and save me from the pain

Please be there for me when I am to blind to see.

I promise to always be there for you

To cherish and hold

To comfort and love

To please and protect

Just please have mercy on me

And I will show you just how I could be.

Cut and Burn

It burns inside.

The urge to do some harm to a vital part of me.

All the while screaming for some form of release.

‘Someone fucking save me from this hell.’

Yet I know no one will.

I am all alone with a dull blade.

Ready to cut but can’t seem to figure out where.

I want it to hurt

I need it to hurt

I can feel it before I start to slice.

Take awhile to get things right.

Decided to just push with all my might

Since I made them hide the good knives.

Tiles floors splattered red

Favorite place cause the walls always stare

I like to think that this is the only room that care

It burns inside of me now

The urge to cut till I am there

Holding a dull blade against my vitals

Screaming for some release

‘You had your chance to fucking save me’

Though I know no one is there

A cut that is quickly fading

The door tells me what a good girl I am

Broken Heart

Wouldn’t it be poetic to die of a broken heart?

To just give up when the moment calls for it. No more fighting, no more trying.

Just let it all end.

Allow your heart strings to shrivel up and fade.

It will all be ok.

I loved someone, or at least, I got something close to love for them.

It ended up being a lie.

Everything they told me was just a lie.

Not something small either. They told me they where dying and I believed them. The signs where there that something was amiss but in the haze of love I didn’t see it. Not until it was to late and I had already invested so much into our relationship.

How can someone tell such a lie?

How can someone use someone is such a fashion?

I feel betrayed. I want to hurt them like they have hurt me.

I was told that it could help to write it all down.

To get it out of my system in some way.

At first i thought to make a letter and send it to them.

Instead I will write on my blog about it.

I haven’t been in here in such a long time because I felt like they needed me more. I gave up I loved for them so I will use what I love to return that pain in kind.

I will not destroy them as I so very much wish to. Instead I will have them understand my pain. In my own special way.

Story of make believe 

Hello, I am black

It is not who I am but the color of my skin

Not my name but what I am known for

Hello,I am black

This is a statement and fact

Something to which I can not change

No matter how much others may want it

I can not dye it a certain flavor

To make it easier for others to savour

It doesn’t change my insides

Though I know how much you want me to hide

Hi, I am black

This fact holds me back

Makes others decide my fate in life

Not allowed to say my piece before it is pointed out to me

That I am, in fact, black

Judge and hated by those who crave it

A rebellious phase to touch

Punished lust, so hide we must

Locked doors with a passion

My skin worn like Fashion

Hello, I am black

This statement brings a bad taste to your mouth

Apology accepted for your ancestors lies

Yet sit and swallow your own words everytime a

Black person gives you a verse

Judge least not be judged

Your ancestors chose a path that you have since denied

Yet you turn a blind eye to what has not changed

Hi, I am black

I am still suppose to sit towards the back

Accept the fact that you are the golden one

Shut my mouth against the hurt and the pain

That you have since spit anyways

But it is not always your fault

See others who share my trait still hate

Still try and hit me behind the stable

Cause I am different and unable

To love someone with the same traits

The same facts as me.

Call me a slave who loves thy master

Stockholm Syndrome spewed from a friendly pastor.

Whose only saving Grace is their age.

Their wisdom behind what truly happened.

Laying with the same face that beats and rapes

Is this what was suppose to happen?

Have I made my ancestors proud?

Hello, I am black

And this fact has shaped my very being

Made me say an do things I do not mean

Made me afraid of change for change sake

Made me hate those who continue to debate the truth

The truth being that I am just like you.

With all my traits, we are the same

On the inside at least

My skin should not be the factor for my future and my past

Should not be the reason I am set back by the classes

Hated by masses who look like me

Speak like me

Think like me

All because I am black

Hated by those who hurt like me

Who are broken like me

Who live their lives like me

Because I decided to ignore the divide

And love someone I shouldn’t

There is a thin line between us all yet I dared to be the bridge

So watch as others shield the eyes of their kids

Watch as they turn their backs on my fact

Because of whom I love and the color that is me

Hello, I am black

This is statement and fact

But it should not define me

Ideal situations: My BPD 

Do you think they would tell her why I did it? Or would they keep it a secret and let her guess.

Would they tell her that I gave up on life?

Or would they explain to her how much I tried to survive.

Tell her how much I love her and how I cared. How many days I spent crying cause I wanted to be there. Those days I hated myself she is the only one who could make me believe.

In the end will they tell her the truth or would they just pretend?

I often wonder what would happen if I was to give in. I can’t do it cause I love her so, but damn, I want my life to end.
What would they tell my little girl if I was to succeed.  A bunch of bullshit lies or the truth they didn’t want to see.

I fucking hate myself and want to die but I can’t.

I have a little girl who needs me, at least that is what they tell me.

I think she will be ok. Rather be dead with her grieving then go about life hating the world because of my depression. Hating the world cause of my urges.

I rather her know that I love her and I tried then go through life hating it cause I made it hell.
But still…

If I did it what would they tell her.

My precious baby girl, what would they say.

In my head my death is a welcomed gift. Finally things will be ok.

But would they tell her this. Or would they make her think she was a mistake.

I love her so very much. Why Can’t I be allowed to give up?

I know they will tell her lies so that is why I stay. I stay so she will know that I love her everyday. I know her life will be hell and I know she may regret me. Still, I will be the bigger person and live despite being so empty

I called a duck by it’s name… it bit me

She called me whimsical. 

How quaint the word

Flows from the tongue as a playful verb

Haha no, it’s an adjective as google says

Had to look up the word cause my head wasn’t on straight.

Lyrically speaking I was blinded by fate

Texting a friend who was suppose to guess my name

Yet she caught on to my simple game

Cause apparently I speak in an amusing way.

I can’t but to give a little chuckle.

A cutesy little smile

How did she guess all this when we hadn’t been talking but a while.

She guessed my personality with some simple words.

Learned all I am because I speak in a verse

A poet I may be

A tiny bit insane

Mainly cause musical words make up 90% of my brain

Yet she knew. 

Despite all the friends to be had she know

I can not say if I am glad to be discovered so soon. 

A/N

Dedicated to all the Ambers of this world. You all are way to smart for your own good. Let us sly foxes and grinning cats have some fun every once in awhile ok.