Distrust

Distrust
By Zoha Lixue

I wanted Jesus to save me
Needed to feel Gods love
Wrapped around me fully
I needed to know in him I could trust
But then I was discarded without a hint of remorse
It was all my fault you see
To young to fight back
Yet old enough to bleed
Taken in a shady place
Beside some holy trees
Right where God wanted me
Torn up knees and a bloody dress
This is where his holiness wanted me best
I was told to pray
That in time
All would be ok
Again I was broken
Again betrayed
Yet I was suppose to forgive and forget
Focus on better days
Maybe it was because I was wicked
Maybe it was because I sinned
Is that why this man was let in?
Did I deserve to be torn
Ripped by someone so loved
Was I so disgusting that I needed to be dirtied up?
I prayed to God daily
And asked him for help
Never gave up on faith
Even faith had given up
Just dusted my knees once he was done
Smiled brightly with my bloody dress
And promptly walked away.
At least…that is the story I will like to tell
I rather not tell the one where I am buring in hell
Every day is a struggle
Every day is war
Every day I am reminded that I was once forced to be a whore
By the grace of God I was tainted
Wanted nevermore
Yet I will pretend I am alright
Cause telling the truth is worse than a lie.

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Pick up the phone

Pick up the phone

By Zoha Lixue

I keep waiting for the call

That will tell me when it is over

Let me know that all is done

The tears

The lies

Is all come to an end

I am waiting for the call

To tell me it is time to live again

To smile

To breathe

Waiting for the call that says

“He is dead”

So my childhood can stop haunting me

Waiting for the day when I am not afraid

When I don’t go to bed

Thinking he is on his way

His plans to hurt my daughter

Give her nightmares similar to mine

I am waiting all the call

That ends it all

The one that will tell me that it is ok

I beg your pardon

Excuse me!

Yes You!

One who dares to take a glance with a decent hello.

I dare say I am offended

Because you never say a word

Just look around without a care

Not a word to those who sit here

As though we are invisible

Well screw you.

Well…Not really

I wouldn’t say that

But I would if I wanted to!

I mean…probably not.

I could never be that mean.

I beg your pardon for being obscene.

Just go on about your day

And ignore me

Search and Find

What was that feeling I just felt?

The one that made my body shake.

The one that made question fate?

What is it called

When my mind starts to fall

And my heart begins to beat

What is this emotion that makes it hard for me,

To stand on my own two feet?

I can’t seem to think

I can’t seem to find

The answer I know hides so very deep inside

What is this emotion called

When all the world begins to fade

When your very embrace

Makes me feel so whole

What is it called

And why can’t I remember it

Feels like forever since I last had a name for it

When was the last time I felt so alive?

When was the last time I felt I could survive.

In your warm arms I am at home

What is the word to describe  this so.

A/N there ya go. I tried to find the words and I still can’t seem to get it right. This is as close as I am going to get to what I felt when I first met ya.

I was lonely and needed a friend and you were there for me. It made me so happy… it still makes me so happy that I have you in my life. I thank the higher beings everyday for ya. Thank you so very much for all you do and put up with.

Love and Protect

Please have mercy on me

My heart is broken from abuse

Take care to hold it close

Never trust it to another soul.

Please have mercy on me

I no longer know how to love

Hold me close and

tell me that I can saved

Tell me that things will be ok.

Be there for me when I crash

Be there for me when I can’t see through the past.

I promise to be there for you in turn

but for now

Take mercy on me

I do not know if I can do this once more.

I can’t remember the last time my heart was whole.

It has been broken by so many before

Take care to not give it to another soul

They may tear it apart before your return

I wonder what it feels like to love

Hold me close and save me from the pain

Please be there for me when I am to blind to see.

I promise to always be there for you

To cherish and hold

To comfort and love

To please and protect

Just please have mercy on me

And I will show you just how I could be.

Cut and Burn

It burns inside.

The urge to do some harm to a vital part of me.

All the while screaming for some form of release.

‘Someone fucking save me from this hell.’

Yet I know no one will.

I am all alone with a dull blade.

Ready to cut but can’t seem to figure out where.

I want it to hurt

I need it to hurt

I can feel it before I start to slice.

Take awhile to get things right.

Decided to just push with all my might

Since I made them hide the good knives.

Tiles floors splattered red

Favorite place cause the walls always stare

I like to think that this is the only room that care

It burns inside of me now

The urge to cut till I am there

Holding a dull blade against my vitals

Screaming for some release

‘You had your chance to fucking save me’

Though I know no one is there

A cut that is quickly fading

The door tells me what a good girl I am

Broken Heart

Wouldn’t it be poetic to die of a broken heart?

To just give up when the moment calls for it. No more fighting, no more trying.

Just let it all end.

Allow your heart strings to shrivel up and fade.

It will all be ok.

I loved someone, or at least, I got something close to love for them.

It ended up being a lie.

Everything they told me was just a lie.

Not something small either. They told me they where dying and I believed them. The signs where there that something was amiss but in the haze of love I didn’t see it. Not until it was to late and I had already invested so much into our relationship.

How can someone tell such a lie?

How can someone use someone is such a fashion?

I feel betrayed. I want to hurt them like they have hurt me.

I was told that it could help to write it all down.

To get it out of my system in some way.

At first i thought to make a letter and send it to them.

Instead I will write on my blog about it.

I haven’t been in here in such a long time because I felt like they needed me more. I gave up I loved for them so I will use what I love to return that pain in kind.

I will not destroy them as I so very much wish to. Instead I will have them understand my pain. In my own special way.