As long as you will have me

I figured this would happen but still I had hoped

I had prayed with all my soul that this will be ok

But yet again my prayers end in vain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have never felt this pain though I know of many who have. Today we sit in remembrance of those who have lost a small part of them. A child was taken without reason.

We bow our heads to the ground then lift them on high. We allow ourselves to cry for little ones we never got to meet, taken from us way to soon.

No parent should ever be forced to outlive their child. This is not the plan. We are supposed to be long dead before they join us.

See I have never felt such a pain. I have never had a miscarriage but I know many who have. I have never had a stillbirth, but I know many who have. And for those many that I know I cry for them.

I say to them that I am sorry for their loss. That I am there for them whenever they need me. I will not tell them that it was Gods plan. I will not tell them how they should be happy that they can even have kids. I will not lie tell them this sick twisted words.

Instead I will hold them close and tell them I love them.

Instead I will do my best to love them, to show them I love them, and help them the best I can as they heal.

For this is a pain that never goes away. It lingers near even when things seem ok. I will be there for them as long as they have me.

To all those who have lost a little one. Know that you are loved. Know that it isn’t your fault no matter the means. That you are cared for. Know that no one will ever forget the person who isn’t with us today. That we are with you. Know that no matter what I am with you.

Advertisements

The Liar in me

Eating a small childs candy shouldn’t make me feel like a monster…but it does. Especially if that child is my own. Most times then naught she will go lookong for said candy in hopes of having it for herself. There are times when I just tell her that she may have misplaced the candy or may have already eaten it.

Of course it is a lie but I do it every time. With Halloween coming around I start to fear for my sanity. Just how many pieces of chocolate will go missing?

How many now and laters will I consume before she starts to take notice?

Granted many of the candies I eat she is to young to have but when will it end???

I often have to remind myself that in only a few short years she will be able to go trick or treating without me. She will be able to count and control her hoard of sweets. I will be left out unless I do the right thing….be an adult and buy my own candy instead of stealing my daughters.

But what kind of parent would I be if I didn’t teach her not to share. At least that is what I am telling myself as I munch on her jawbreakers.

Tomorrow

Today I do not really feel good. My depression is getting to me. I can not leave my house unless someone actually makes me leave. I can’t say no to invite no matter how much I want to.

I sit and struggle to stay awake. Sleeping forever seems like such a good idea right now.

I get so frustrated….so angry with just about everything.

My daughter was singing today and it felt as though she was scrapping her nails against a chalkboard. Not to say she couldn’t sing but the sound. The fact that she was happy and singing made me so mad. I had to leave the room. I apologized for telling her to stop. No! Not telling, I freaking yelled for her to stop.

She got so upset so I apologized, but the anger was still there.

I had to leave the room for a bit. I didn’t go back for maybe 30 mins or more. Just hid in my room and cried.

I am doing this all on my own. I have friends but I can’t feel it. Like there is a void that is stopping me from accepting the fact that people…Care

It hurts. I know that it is there and it hurts. I hate myself for feeling this way, but who can I talk to? I feel as though I am being judged all the time. So who can I talk to? Who can really help me understand that things are not what they seem.

My?

Maybe…

Honestly I am just going through the motions.

Wading through this until it ends. That is all I can do. So I do it.

I am ever grateful for the people who put up with me regardless.

When the sky talks back

I have lost a lot of blood

taken away by those I love

they show they care by beating me bare

putting salt into the wounds

wishful words of contempt

smiles tell me what they truly meant

Say they love me

Say they care

Say that no matter what they will be here

Lies and Slander from thine Queen

Bringing me pleasure from the wipes sting

I crave the sky when it sings

as it blames me for being me

Angels fly on high

With pitch fork wings

just hoping that I die

I love the sound of the singing sky

It reminds me of why I am alive

Why I go on when inside I have died

Because when all is said and done

I know that I am loved by my only son

My little one in the sky

despite the pain

despite the hate

despite that smiles I am supposed to fake

There is someone who cares

Down here it may hurt to feel

I may be judged and hated without fear

I may have the world trying to break me

but way up high

passed the fake angels in the sky

there lies a soul full of love

there lays someone who will never let go

Down here people blame me

they hate me for things I did not know

they pelt me with bloody rocks

then are ask me to forgive

show me words filled with venom

then say they are my friend

I so love when the sky sings

It reminds me of better thing.

That despite all this there is someone who loves

Someone who forgives

Up past the false angels with their pitch black wings

There is someone who loves me and all of my sins.

10406815_752476048141271_8827435720732387214_n-e1424830049681

The loss of a child is a powerful, traumatic event that many people have sadly gone through. As a single mother to one I feel for them greatly. No matter in what way this child is loss the pain can linger with the families till they take their very last breath.

For all those lost Fly High Little Ones. Your families love you very much. Thank you for watching over them as they go about life.

Letter to myself

I feel like a crappy mother

And no

I do not need your consent to feel this way

I feel like a crappy mother

One so full of mistakes

I rage

I scream

I cry

I do just about anything

that makes her miserable inside

I hide

I lie

I wish to die

I do just anout every thing that

can bring her pain

I am a crappy mother

Despite her smiles and kisses

Despite that fact that she is full of joy

I know

That I am a horrible parent

I do not deserve her love

Her forgiveness

Or her hugs.

I am a crappy mother

I do not need your consent to feel this way

I just need you to tell me

that you feel the same

I am horrible

Disgusting

Alone

Full of despair

I need you to tell me that nothing is going well.

She is my precious baby girl

Whom I love with my whole soul

But I know

That I am not a good person

I am a fucking mess

I will only bring her down

Yet for what it is worth

I could never give her up.

A/N

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a disorder that is often misdiagnosed but once a person is said to have it, get ready for the judgemental gazes.

Many drs are not willing to work with someone who has bpd and we are automatically assumed to be high risk.

I looked up parenting with bpd and a lot of what I found were children of those who had talking about their shitty childhoods.

Now as a single mom I already feel like I am making every mistake in the book. Not to say those who are not single have more confidence just that they tend to get more support.

But to find out that my disorder can cause my daughter trauma well into her adulthood was…scary…(12am big words unknown)

I want her to have a good life. With or without me.

Letters to a Father

I can no longer remember your face.

When I was younger you where there. Not always there┬ábut a little thought in the back of my mind. I HATED how you came around when you felt like it. I know you told me it was my moms fault you weren’t constant, but till this day I do not believe that to be fact.

Just like you said how you number never changed, nor did my grandmothers, you could have called her any day. Found out where we where and took us away. Do you know how much pain we went through?

No, I guess not since you never bothered with us. Just made excuse after excuse.

Dear Dad , I do not remember you. I do bot remember your voice, your smile, your eyes. I Do remember your anger and your lies.

I guess it is my fault I hold on to such a grudge but I made the mistakes of my mother and laid with someone I didn’t love.

Now I have a daughters whose father she don’t know. She don’t know his face, his eyes, the way he smiles over silly things. No all she remembers is the pain of him never being around.

Broken promise after promise.

Sounds familiar to me now.

Dear Dad, I hate you.

But I guess you knew that.

Or maybe you didn’t because you delude yourself into thinking I was never created. I am just a figment of your demented imagination.

Do you know my favorite color or my favorite song? Do you remember my best friends name or what first made us get along? I told you all this a million times but did you listen?

I wish you had left me spattered on the bed sheets but then I wouldn’t have my baby girl.

Dear Fuckbutt, I despise you.

How dare you do her like he do. She deserves so much better than some well wishes. She fucking deserves her fathers kisses. I do not need no imagined truths. Tell her what you post online, don’t you know she needs you???

Wrote a letter to my father but inside I meant you.

Letter To My Daughter

Dearest N,

You are my precious sunshine. The reason I get up each morning and my reminder to go to bed each night. You are the best thing to have ever happened to me. Even though you drive me insane at times I still smilw at your antics. I miss those days when I could just hold you. 

Now I can barely get you to hold my hand as we cross the street. Doesn’t mean you aren’t still loving, just that you would rather explore the world. How I love to watch you explore this world. You are so insightful to what is around you. Extremely smart and brave, you do and say things I couldn’t dream of. 

You always have a kind word for others. Your very presence makes the world a better place, it seems. 

How could someone not love you. My baby sunshine. My little girl. My precious angel. You are my everything. 

Yet…I am not perfect. I am no match for you light. I do not make people happy just by coming around. I bring no light to this world. I am not brave or smart. I am not insightful. I see this world as cruel and unyielding.  I am not happy. I am no angel. I am nothing. 

There are days when I think about sending you to live with another family. People who can properly love and care for you. Others who are made of light who will not bring you down. 

I am your opposite in every way. 

How did you, one so pure, manage to come from someone as broken as me. 

There are days when I figure you would be better off with me dead. 

So I don’t hold you back as you age. 

I hate myself so much that I feel it is rubbing off on you. Just the other day I heard you call yourself stupid. Please don’t do that. Never think that. It is me who is stupid but I guess I call myself that enough that you think you are as well. You are not. 

You are the one thing I did right. My gift to this dark world. My only wish is that you change it for the better. That as you age you light never dims. 

I hope that you know you are loved. 

No matter how sick I get know that I love you. 

No matter the words I say know that I cherish you. 

No matter how down I get know that you are worth it all. 

You may be the light to my darkness but know that I am here. I am listening to you even when the pain won’t go away. 

I am sorry for the hell I put you through.  For the times I cried and couldn’t get out of bed. I am sorry for the times it seemed like I didn’t want to play. 

You are my most precious baby girl.

My reason to go on.

I know that isn’t fair on you at all and I am sorry. I do what I can to make you happy. 

This letter was suppose to raise you up…and I am getting to that point. First I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for doing and saying the things I do. 

Sorry doesn’t cut it but know that I am trying my hardest to make things work. 
Raising you is difficult by myself. People told me I should habe gotten rid of you but I didn’t listen. I do not regret that in the slightest.  I hope you grow to understand that. You are not a mistake. You are someone so astonishing even the gods take notice. 

I will not always be here but know that I love you my little one. 

Know that no matter what is said and done that I will always be watching over you. 

Know that my flaws are not a reflection of you. What is broken in me just proves that you are someone so strong that you can get through anything. 

I miss the times when you let me hold you for hours on end. When I could caress your tiny face and hands. 

Now you are older and want to play by your own rules.  My this world be kind to you my love. Always stay true to yourself. You are a smart, confident, beautiful, amazing, generous, kind, courageous baby girl. My baby girl. 
I know none of this makes any sense now but It will in the future. 

I promise I will try my hardest to be there and explain it all to you. 

I love you my sunshine. 

 Momma.