Pick up the phone

Pick up the phone

By Zoha Lixue

I keep waiting for the call

That will tell me when it is over

Let me know that all is done

The tears

The lies

Is all come to an end

I am waiting for the call

To tell me it is time to live again

To smile

To breathe

Waiting for the call that says

“He is dead”

So my childhood can stop haunting me

Waiting for the day when I am not afraid

When I don’t go to bed

Thinking he is on his way

His plans to hurt my daughter

Give her nightmares similar to mine

I am waiting all the call

That ends it all

The one that will tell me that it is ok

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B is for Blush

I am not sure how old I was when I loat my first friend. I know I was fairly young and the idea of death wasn’t really big. I knew people died but it didn’t really mean much. Death was final and yet not final at the same time. This may have been because I went to my first funeral when I was around two years old.

I remember the casket clearly. Or as clear as a possible two year old can. It was white…maybe pink. So very very tiny. It held the body of a young girl who had died in her sleep. She seemed big to me though I have been told that the girl was around my age.

Her casket was tiny but she appeared so big.

I remember dancing and playing in the aisles as people cried. There was so much crying going on. I didn’t know this girl…it wasn’t until I was older that I realized I never would.

As I aged I went to a lot of funerals. Never again a child and nearly always males. The female line of my family tends to live forever it seems. I only have one grandfather who is still alive. I have lost many uncles and great uncles and great great uncles. And make cousins…yes…I have lost plenty of those as well.

But

That casket.

That tiny casket with the not so tiny girl. She has always stuck in my mind.

I am not sure if I was related to her. My mother doesn’t like to talk about her much since she was born the same year as my older sister. I think maybe even just hours apart and at the same hospital. I think it makes my mom feel guilty that her child lived while the other ladies child did not.

I am not sure though. I have only met the mother once. I remember the hungry look in her eyes every time she glanced at my sister.

As a kid I figred she was some creepy lady. As in adult I understand. I understand her looks and shaking hands as she patted my sisters face. I understand why she ignored me. I understand why her and my mother walked on egg shells when they spoke. I understand it all to well.

See while I have never lost a child I lost a friend at a very young age. I have lost siblings. I have seen friends cry after they spoke of the children they had lost.

I have seen blushing brides with a baby bump turn to tear stained widows with scars.

I have seen it all and more.

So, while I have never lost a child, I can still grieve with them. I can hold them close and understand. Maybe not fully but enough to be there when needed

A Letter to the day

While going through an old notebook I found a letter I had written to my daughter. It was a true eye opener. In this letter I apologized to my daughter for taking my own life.

As you can see, I didn’t actually do that. I have a lot of letters like this in that notebook. Apology notes to my little girl who was maybe a year old at the time. Right now she is a happy four-year old. I still have these thoughts but not as much as I did back then. Nearly every week I wrote her a new letter asking for forgiveness. I think it is what helped me go on. I felt like I would disappoint her if I did it. Now I know I would devastate her. She loves me. She truly loves me for me. Something no one in this world does. She makes me happy.

 

 

The thoughts are still there but not as they were before.

But I know I can get on even with them in my mind. I know I may eventually heal. It will take time. These letters from my last have shown me this.

Rational irrationality

I am angry, and in my head it js for a very valid reason.

I am angry and no amount of “your being unfair” is going to fix it.

I am angry and your anger will only ignite it.

Today is my daughters birthday. My pride and joy is turning four years old.

Yet to me it was a horrible day.

She did have a really good day but it hurt to hear all these excues to why people didn’t call to talk to her.

Not as though anyone makes time for her most any other day but I thought people would try to make an effort to speak to her. Those who did called later on in the day. Late late at night when any other day she woukd have been preparing for bed.

I understand that people work and what not but seriously. No one could call before work? Are lunch breaks not a thing? She is four. She doesnt care if you call long enough to even just sing her happy birthday. Rarely does she ever want to sit on the phone for longer than five mins. Yet no one…no one called her during reasonable hours. Only two people had a valid excuse and even they called pretty. Her aunts,uncles,cousin,father, grandparents no one called her.

Yet those who do not share her blood made time for her. They helped me throw her an amazing party. They got her presents she will cherish greatly ( for the next few months or so)

People started flooding in with their love and well wishes after I made a post for not calling, but again this was people who didn’t share her blood.

My best friends…my supposed best friends said nothing.

I can’t help but hate the world right now for this very simple reason.

Whether I am being rational or not is not something I care about at this moment.

I know it is silly but right now I feel…betrayed. Yes betrayed because I always try to be there for others and yet no one seems to care about the most important person to me. Damn my birthday and other memorable events.

It is her day. The celebration of her life and how dare they say they love and care for her when they can’t even make time out of theirs to check up on her.

I am so done with everything.

She still had a good day but I will remember this.

Day 4

Bullet your whole day

7:00 Woke up

7:30 Woke up once more

7:35 Realised that I really needed to get up

8:00 When I actually got up and got dressed.

8:45 Left house to attend church meeting.

NOONISH!! Left church meeting thanking the Lord that they feed us breakfast cause I had forgotten to eat.

2:00 ish ate Lunch

3:00 Convinced Toddler to lay down for a nap

4:00 Toddler laid down for a nap

4:05 Started cleaning

4:50 Napped

5:15 Toddler woke up

5:37 Started Dinner

6:00 ordered Pizza cause I screwed up Dinner

8:30 Got toddler to bed

9:00 Read a book

12 Remembered to go to bed

2:00 Ish Went to bed.

As long as you will have me

I figured this would happen but still I had hoped

I had prayed with all my soul that this will be ok

But yet again my prayers end in vain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have never felt this pain though I know of many who have. Today we sit in remembrance of those who have lost a small part of them. A child was taken without reason.

We bow our heads to the ground then lift them on high. We allow ourselves to cry for little ones we never got to meet, taken from us way to soon.

No parent should ever be forced to outlive their child. This is not the plan. We are supposed to be long dead before they join us.

See I have never felt such a pain. I have never had a miscarriage but I know many who have. I have never had a stillbirth, but I know many who have. And for those many that I know I cry for them.

I say to them that I am sorry for their loss. That I am there for them whenever they need me. I will not tell them that it was Gods plan. I will not tell them how they should be happy that they can even have kids. I will not lie tell them this sick twisted words.

Instead I will hold them close and tell them I love them.

Instead I will do my best to love them, to show them I love them, and help them the best I can as they heal.

For this is a pain that never goes away. It lingers near even when things seem ok. I will be there for them as long as they have me.

To all those who have lost a little one. Know that you are loved. Know that it isn’t your fault no matter the means. That you are cared for. Know that no one will ever forget the person who isn’t with us today. That we are with you. Know that no matter what I am with you.

The Liar in me

Eating a small childs candy shouldn’t make me feel like a monster…but it does. Especially if that child is my own. Most times then naught she will go lookong for said candy in hopes of having it for herself. There are times when I just tell her that she may have misplaced the candy or may have already eaten it.

Of course it is a lie but I do it every time. With Halloween coming around I start to fear for my sanity. Just how many pieces of chocolate will go missing?

How many now and laters will I consume before she starts to take notice?

Granted many of the candies I eat she is to young to have but when will it end???

I often have to remind myself that in only a few short years she will be able to go trick or treating without me. She will be able to count and control her hoard of sweets. I will be left out unless I do the right thing….be an adult and buy my own candy instead of stealing my daughters.

But what kind of parent would I be if I didn’t teach her not to share. At least that is what I am telling myself as I munch on her jawbreakers.