As long as you will have me

I figured this would happen but still I had hoped

I had prayed with all my soul that this will be ok

But yet again my prayers end in vain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have never felt this pain though I know of many who have. Today we sit in remembrance of those who have lost a small part of them. A child was taken without reason.

We bow our heads to the ground then lift them on high. We allow ourselves to cry for little ones we never got to meet, taken from us way to soon.

No parent should ever be forced to outlive their child. This is not the plan. We are supposed to be long dead before they join us.

See I have never felt such a pain. I have never had a miscarriage but I know many who have. I have never had a stillbirth, but I know many who have. And for those many that I know I cry for them.

I say to them that I am sorry for their loss. That I am there for them whenever they need me. I will not tell them that it was Gods plan. I will not tell them how they should be happy that they can even have kids. I will not lie tell them this sick twisted words.

Instead I will hold them close and tell them I love them.

Instead I will do my best to love them, to show them I love them, and help them the best I can as they heal.

For this is a pain that never goes away. It lingers near even when things seem ok. I will be there for them as long as they have me.

To all those who have lost a little one. Know that you are loved. Know that it isn’t your fault no matter the means. That you are cared for. Know that no one will ever forget the person who isn’t with us today. That we are with you. Know that no matter what I am with you.

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A random status update

I have never been good at dealing with the death of a loved one. I have often found myself to be the only person openly crying at funerals. As everyone is floating around and celebrating, I was always the one calming talking to the body as though they could still hear me. The one everyone felt that needed to baby due to my delicate nature. 

It is funny though cause I actually celebrate death. I do not pretend to be happy with a passing. Instead I let myself feel sad. I do not hade behind perfect smile and tell everyone thanks for coming. No I kneel and allow the person I have lost know I love and will always remember them. I celebrate death once I have grieved.

Not to say smiles or laughter at a funeral should not happen cause they should. I just don’t do it. 

I am not very religious, but despite how some of my poems may seem, I love religion of all kinds. Including Christianity.  I may not follow all the teachings but I do not find it horrible. 

So I can understand how something that is something  we need to sing about. 

I am just quieter…..

Still….

I wish people would stop seeing my tears as a weakness. I wish they would talk to me. Let me tell them that sure I am crying, but I will be on in time. 

Why do people hide death from me? Treat like a little flower who needs to be protected? Has anyone read my poems and stories??? Seriously, I will be ok. Just give me time. Let me vent, let me grieve in my own way. 

Professional Loner

Getting rid of

Unfriending

No longer dealing with a negative person.

A simple story of how lies can destroy a person. Ignoring others and lying to get your way is not nice. It is especially bad to do to a friend. So much can go wrong with a little lie, even if it to save your own skin. Never ever pin mistakes unto others.

I do struggle with something like this. I get angry and take it out on others. Such as when something is bothering me I may yell at people who don’t even know whats going on. Or even I may give the silent treatment to a person who is only trying to help. It is a flaw of mine but the one thing I do not do to others and that is lie. To clarify,  everyone lies, no one tells the truth all the time. That doesn’t mean a person likes it. Now when I lie there are times I don’t know it is happening. Someone could ask me about the weather and I will tell them it is raining when it is sunny outside. Usually this is to people who can not confirm it such as those who live out of the country. The lie doesn’t get me anywhere and after it is said I have this inner conversation where I question why I did that. So, I don’t lie intentionally I should say…

Especially to a friend!

Today someone lied to me. Now this wasn’t a full face lie cause it held some truths.  No this was one of those where the person warped the events a bit. They searched for a problem and blew it out of proportion convincing themselves that I had lied. Now, I have BPD, and am the poster child for ruining a good thing for no clear reason other than I can handle the idea of something going right. Even with that I still admit to my faults.

If I fucked up I will say I fucked up no matter how hard it hurts. The key is to catch me fucking up. If I am getting a good grade in school, and someones praises me, I may unintentionally fail the next few test. Didn’t mean to but it got to nice. Too….everything I guess. I do this a lot and that is my BPD.

Still catch me in the act and point it out and I will admit to it (once I fully realize it of course)

So when this person accused me of doing something I didn’t I was surprised. I didn’t do anything to ruin the day and tried to make sure everything ran smoothly. Yet in the end I was left behind and hated. I was judged for things I had no part in. My words where twisted and used against me to justify their beliefs on what had and should have happened. It didn’t matter that I tried to work through the problem (thank you therapy!) No, all my attempts to rectify what happened was ignored. Ignored because they only wanted things to go their way or no way. So I lost a friend over something so stupid. I took the blame for things I did but was still ignored and accused of committing friendecide. I lead it to being killed even though it was the other way around. It was a new feeling to me and I don’t know how to process it.

I thought writing a bit would help. I am not sure it will and what follows doesn’t really make any sense. But I am trying…I guess.

So to the loss of a friend and the discovery of a new path in life.

I guess I was just meant to be a loner. Wonder if I could make a job out of it …yeppers. Professional Loner reporting for duty.

      Blackened skin covered bone sitting by the altar. A sight which all wishes would disappear as heavy hearts clamour near. Everyone is wanting for something, though the general census is that they don’t know what they want. They just want and want and want. Willing to ignore this painful sight. Willing to pretend that it is alright.

They will sprew lies as they see fit. It helps them sleep at night.

Blackened skin covered bone, weeping by the altar. It is ignored by those who clamour because they deem it unfit to be. Lies sprew forth as they seek. Trying, fighting, for their own dreams.

      Nothing wrong with caring for oneself as long as you don’t forget everyone else. Never ignore the blackened bone cause one day it could be your very own.

A Goddess Named Nova

Sweet angel on bladed wings

I remember the words you used to sing

How you smiled

How you laughed 

Blamed for things that are in the past

Remember the fights

The taunts

The rage

All things left behind for sillier days

A goddess named Nova taken to soon

A angel flying high, bladed wings can’t abuse

Fly high Nova 

Fly high indeed

One of these days 

I will again hear you sing again 
Losing someone you care for suck. No it more then sucks but right now I can’tseem to think of anything better past my tears. I have been crying and all I can think about it how there wasn’t much time. I used to think you were the world. You were everything I wanted to be and more. Tall, beautiful, strong and confident.  There where times when I was extremely jealous of the friends you had. The friends we shared who treated more like a follower then an actual friend. You were also so freaking nice lol. Used to drive me insane. It wasn’t till recently they I discovered your true struggles. Sure you hear things in high school but rumors are rumors; not always to be believed. 

Still I loved hanging out with you. 

The first day we meet it felt like forever before I got up the courage to talk to you. You had been sitting with this girled (appropriately named Jessica Music, both sharing my first name and my lve for music) 

You two were the first friends I had made on the bus. I had been looking inbetween the crack of the seat and window when I saw someones MP3 player. I believe it was Seether being played and just the only song I knew all the lyrics too. 

Lol I worked through every scenio on how to talk to you both. Eventually I did and it led to us being friends. We all talked a lot. 

Jessica ended up moving and yet me and you still talked. We stopped once high school really got started and they changed the bus scheduales around. 

You gained friends in our crowed that I barely hung out with, I stopped talking but everyonce in awhile we would still see each other. I was never truly angry with you. Sure I got jealous but I was never angry. 
Recently though…we started talking again. You made a post about something on social media that touched me. I responded and we begin talking. We made plans this past weekend. We had so much in common I regret not talking to you sooner. You are a Goddess. Dark skinned Beauty that touched so many lives. Who made me realize that not everyone is who they seem. 

I was never angry at you, just so very jealous and so very alone. You never stopped being kind to me. You talked to me. 

I will never forget that…

Gabbie Wilson

Happy birthday in Heaven sis. Don’t worry I will never forget you. 

1/12/1994 ~ 1/12/2017

Brightly

Focus on me,look in to my eyes.

 Don’t pay attention to those other guys. 

Don’t listen to thier lies just focus on my eyes.

Ignore the pain, the hurt,  regret.

Forget it all!

Don’t worry about the past!

Please Don’t 

This won’t last

It’s  a second and soon it will be gone

Focus on my eyes, listen to my song

Please hear me….

I won’t let you die alone.

In the heat of battles lives are lost. Some taken by the blade of enemies,  others from accidental means. 

Death isn’t a game though. Sometimes you must lie to the person you care about just so they may rest in peace.  You carry on remembering them. Don’t let their sacrifice be in vain. When loosing someone, especially someone who loves you, you must live. You make forget the troubles of the past and live for today. Ignore those trying to stab you in the back. Leave them behind. Leave them to suffer their own fate. Walk with your head high and let your tears flow. It isn’t weak to cry. What is weak is holding in your emotions because you think it will get you through things. Go ahead and think upon them with sadness and happiness. Love them but leave your troubles in the past. Remember them but only for awhile. Because through you, they will never fade from this world. 

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Picture description

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Compassion on the battlefield for a friend. This photo of one GI comforting another was taken during the Korean War, and published by Life in 1950

U.S. Infantryman Weeps on Shoulder of GI in Korea, After His Friend is KIA, While Corpsman Fills Out Casualty Tags, August 28, 1950