E is for Enough

I give up!

I fucking give up on everything.

Of course I am not enough. I didn’t get to say goodbye. You didn’t even give me a chance. You refuse to let me see you as you lay dying in your hospital bed.

You said I was like a granddaughter to you yet you wouldn’t see me at the end. Told the world that you cared. I am sure that is not what you meant. You were ashamed of me weren’t you?

You truly hated me! How could I have believed… You LIED to me. To my little girl. To her you were her world. She looked up to you.

I did too.

Now you are gone

What the fuck am I suppose to do??

Who will be proud of me now?

Who will tell me it is ok?

Who will sit there and just let me vent, every freaking day. Why did you leave?

You were suppose ro be around forever. You promise to see me do better…

But you left me…

You left me alone

And not even a week later he followed you too.

You were family.

I was suppose to make you both proud.

Just

I promise to better

Please come back home.

I will go to church every Sunday. I won’t question a thing. I will be a better mother. I will smile on command. I will get a job and go to school. I will do it all and more.

Just please please call me so I can walk out that door and see you.

Please let me make you proud.

I know you are gone now

I just handle it right now.

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B is for Blush

I am not sure how old I was when I loat my first friend. I know I was fairly young and the idea of death wasn’t really big. I knew people died but it didn’t really mean much. Death was final and yet not final at the same time. This may have been because I went to my first funeral when I was around two years old.

I remember the casket clearly. Or as clear as a possible two year old can. It was white…maybe pink. So very very tiny. It held the body of a young girl who had died in her sleep. She seemed big to me though I have been told that the girl was around my age.

Her casket was tiny but she appeared so big.

I remember dancing and playing in the aisles as people cried. There was so much crying going on. I didn’t know this girl…it wasn’t until I was older that I realized I never would.

As I aged I went to a lot of funerals. Never again a child and nearly always males. The female line of my family tends to live forever it seems. I only have one grandfather who is still alive. I have lost many uncles and great uncles and great great uncles. And make cousins…yes…I have lost plenty of those as well.

But

That casket.

That tiny casket with the not so tiny girl. She has always stuck in my mind.

I am not sure if I was related to her. My mother doesn’t like to talk about her much since she was born the same year as my older sister. I think maybe even just hours apart and at the same hospital. I think it makes my mom feel guilty that her child lived while the other ladies child did not.

I am not sure though. I have only met the mother once. I remember the hungry look in her eyes every time she glanced at my sister.

As a kid I figred she was some creepy lady. As in adult I understand. I understand her looks and shaking hands as she patted my sisters face. I understand why she ignored me. I understand why her and my mother walked on egg shells when they spoke. I understand it all to well.

See while I have never lost a child I lost a friend at a very young age. I have lost siblings. I have seen friends cry after they spoke of the children they had lost.

I have seen blushing brides with a baby bump turn to tear stained widows with scars.

I have seen it all and more.

So, while I have never lost a child, I can still grieve with them. I can hold them close and understand. Maybe not fully but enough to be there when needed

Say it with me

I like the words low self-esteem. That makes it seem like there is hope. That one day it can come back.

Now zero self-esteem, that is a different story. That means there is no chance of it coming back without some outside help.

But how can we go about life lacking it and expect others to help us. We are always being told that if we do not love ourselves then no one else will love us. So what if a person hates themselves with a passion, does that mean that they will always be alone?

I like to think that there is a chance they can be happy. It will just take someone from the outside to help them see the light.

She used to be hopeful

She used to try

She used to smile

Once upon a time

A bright future a head of her

But her head in the clouds

She used to be normal

Then she was found

In a backend ally

With her knees on the ground

Surrounded by people

But lost in the sound

She used to be everything

She used to be love

Now she is nothing

Someone we all judge

Needle in her arm

And hate in her heart

How did this happen

What tore her world apart?

She used to be helpful

She used to be wise

She used to be everything

In her loved ones eyes

But now she is found

Laying in the ground

Surrounded by people

But lost in the sound

Of her own imagination

Of her own mistakes

She used to full of life

And now she slowly breaks

Needle in her arms

Blood on her legs

Crawling on the ground

To get away from the people

That roughly surround

She wants to be lost

Stuck in her own sound

As long as you will have me

I figured this would happen but still I had hoped

I had prayed with all my soul that this will be ok

But yet again my prayers end in vain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have never felt this pain though I know of many who have. Today we sit in remembrance of those who have lost a small part of them. A child was taken without reason.

We bow our heads to the ground then lift them on high. We allow ourselves to cry for little ones we never got to meet, taken from us way to soon.

No parent should ever be forced to outlive their child. This is not the plan. We are supposed to be long dead before they join us.

See I have never felt such a pain. I have never had a miscarriage but I know many who have. I have never had a stillbirth, but I know many who have. And for those many that I know I cry for them.

I say to them that I am sorry for their loss. That I am there for them whenever they need me. I will not tell them that it was Gods plan. I will not tell them how they should be happy that they can even have kids. I will not lie tell them this sick twisted words.

Instead I will hold them close and tell them I love them.

Instead I will do my best to love them, to show them I love them, and help them the best I can as they heal.

For this is a pain that never goes away. It lingers near even when things seem ok. I will be there for them as long as they have me.

To all those who have lost a little one. Know that you are loved. Know that it isn’t your fault no matter the means. That you are cared for. Know that no one will ever forget the person who isn’t with us today. That we are with you. Know that no matter what I am with you.

A random status update

I have never been good at dealing with the death of a loved one. I have often found myself to be the only person openly crying at funerals. As everyone is floating around and celebrating, I was always the one calming talking to the body as though they could still hear me. The one everyone felt that needed to baby due to my delicate nature. 

It is funny though cause I actually celebrate death. I do not pretend to be happy with a passing. Instead I let myself feel sad. I do not hade behind perfect smile and tell everyone thanks for coming. No I kneel and allow the person I have lost know I love and will always remember them. I celebrate death once I have grieved.

Not to say smiles or laughter at a funeral should not happen cause they should. I just don’t do it. 

I am not very religious, but despite how some of my poems may seem, I love religion of all kinds. Including Christianity.  I may not follow all the teachings but I do not find it horrible. 

So I can understand how something that is something  we need to sing about. 

I am just quieter…..

Still….

I wish people would stop seeing my tears as a weakness. I wish they would talk to me. Let me tell them that sure I am crying, but I will be on in time. 

Why do people hide death from me? Treat like a little flower who needs to be protected? Has anyone read my poems and stories??? Seriously, I will be ok. Just give me time. Let me vent, let me grieve in my own way. 

Professional Loner

Getting rid of

Unfriending

No longer dealing with a negative person.

A simple story of how lies can destroy a person. Ignoring others and lying to get your way is not nice. It is especially bad to do to a friend. So much can go wrong with a little lie, even if it to save your own skin. Never ever pin mistakes unto others.

I do struggle with something like this. I get angry and take it out on others. Such as when something is bothering me I may yell at people who don’t even know whats going on. Or even I may give the silent treatment to a person who is only trying to help. It is a flaw of mine but the one thing I do not do to others and that is lie. To clarify,  everyone lies, no one tells the truth all the time. That doesn’t mean a person likes it. Now when I lie there are times I don’t know it is happening. Someone could ask me about the weather and I will tell them it is raining when it is sunny outside. Usually this is to people who can not confirm it such as those who live out of the country. The lie doesn’t get me anywhere and after it is said I have this inner conversation where I question why I did that. So, I don’t lie intentionally I should say…

Especially to a friend!

Today someone lied to me. Now this wasn’t a full face lie cause it held some truths.  No this was one of those where the person warped the events a bit. They searched for a problem and blew it out of proportion convincing themselves that I had lied. Now, I have BPD, and am the poster child for ruining a good thing for no clear reason other than I can handle the idea of something going right. Even with that I still admit to my faults.

If I fucked up I will say I fucked up no matter how hard it hurts. The key is to catch me fucking up. If I am getting a good grade in school, and someones praises me, I may unintentionally fail the next few test. Didn’t mean to but it got to nice. Too….everything I guess. I do this a lot and that is my BPD.

Still catch me in the act and point it out and I will admit to it (once I fully realize it of course)

So when this person accused me of doing something I didn’t I was surprised. I didn’t do anything to ruin the day and tried to make sure everything ran smoothly. Yet in the end I was left behind and hated. I was judged for things I had no part in. My words where twisted and used against me to justify their beliefs on what had and should have happened. It didn’t matter that I tried to work through the problem (thank you therapy!) No, all my attempts to rectify what happened was ignored. Ignored because they only wanted things to go their way or no way. So I lost a friend over something so stupid. I took the blame for things I did but was still ignored and accused of committing friendecide. I lead it to being killed even though it was the other way around. It was a new feeling to me and I don’t know how to process it.

I thought writing a bit would help. I am not sure it will and what follows doesn’t really make any sense. But I am trying…I guess.

So to the loss of a friend and the discovery of a new path in life.

I guess I was just meant to be a loner. Wonder if I could make a job out of it …yeppers. Professional Loner reporting for duty.

      Blackened skin covered bone sitting by the altar. A sight which all wishes would disappear as heavy hearts clamour near. Everyone is wanting for something, though the general census is that they don’t know what they want. They just want and want and want. Willing to ignore this painful sight. Willing to pretend that it is alright.

They will sprew lies as they see fit. It helps them sleep at night.

Blackened skin covered bone, weeping by the altar. It is ignored by those who clamour because they deem it unfit to be. Lies sprew forth as they seek. Trying, fighting, for their own dreams.

      Nothing wrong with caring for oneself as long as you don’t forget everyone else. Never ignore the blackened bone cause one day it could be your very own.

A Goddess Named Nova

Sweet angel on bladed wings

I remember the words you used to sing

How you smiled

How you laughed 

Blamed for things that are in the past

Remember the fights

The taunts

The rage

All things left behind for sillier days

A goddess named Nova taken to soon

A angel flying high, bladed wings can’t abuse

Fly high Nova 

Fly high indeed

One of these days 

I will again hear you sing again 
Losing someone you care for suck. No it more then sucks but right now I can’tseem to think of anything better past my tears. I have been crying and all I can think about it how there wasn’t much time. I used to think you were the world. You were everything I wanted to be and more. Tall, beautiful, strong and confident.  There where times when I was extremely jealous of the friends you had. The friends we shared who treated more like a follower then an actual friend. You were also so freaking nice lol. Used to drive me insane. It wasn’t till recently they I discovered your true struggles. Sure you hear things in high school but rumors are rumors; not always to be believed. 

Still I loved hanging out with you. 

The first day we meet it felt like forever before I got up the courage to talk to you. You had been sitting with this girled (appropriately named Jessica Music, both sharing my first name and my lve for music) 

You two were the first friends I had made on the bus. I had been looking inbetween the crack of the seat and window when I saw someones MP3 player. I believe it was Seether being played and just the only song I knew all the lyrics too. 

Lol I worked through every scenio on how to talk to you both. Eventually I did and it led to us being friends. We all talked a lot. 

Jessica ended up moving and yet me and you still talked. We stopped once high school really got started and they changed the bus scheduales around. 

You gained friends in our crowed that I barely hung out with, I stopped talking but everyonce in awhile we would still see each other. I was never truly angry with you. Sure I got jealous but I was never angry. 
Recently though…we started talking again. You made a post about something on social media that touched me. I responded and we begin talking. We made plans this past weekend. We had so much in common I regret not talking to you sooner. You are a Goddess. Dark skinned Beauty that touched so many lives. Who made me realize that not everyone is who they seem. 

I was never angry at you, just so very jealous and so very alone. You never stopped being kind to me. You talked to me. 

I will never forget that…

Gabbie Wilson

Happy birthday in Heaven sis. Don’t worry I will never forget you. 

1/12/1994 ~ 1/12/2017