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I am a huge hypocrite.

Daily a friend or loved one will message me about the problems going on in their life. I always sit and listen and give advice when needed. Sometimes they just need me to be silent and others they need my anger. Sometimes my tears or enough and others they just need my love. I hear all these stories and yet I am afraid to tell my own.

I am not a liar in a way people would think it. I do not really know I am lying till I am doing it. It isn’t big lies really but small ones. I can never give a straight answer to basic questions.

If asked how I am, I will always say “I’m ok”

If asked how my day was, I will always say

“It was fine, could have been better, but still fine”

I am afraid to show my true self.

I guess cause I don’t want to burden them with my problems. Or maybe it is cause in the past I was always ignored in favor of their problems. I am not sure.

What makes me a hypocrite though is the fact that I can not take my own advice. I ask them to come to me with anything but do not do the same to them. I give them all my emotion but refuse to express it till it is to late. I hurt and hide but get mad when they do the same. I am the biggest hypocrite yet I do not see myself changing any time soon.

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E is for Enough

I give up!

I fucking give up on everything.

Of course I am not enough. I didn’t get to say goodbye. You didn’t even give me a chance. You refuse to let me see you as you lay dying in your hospital bed.

You said I was like a granddaughter to you yet you wouldn’t see me at the end. Told the world that you cared. I am sure that is not what you meant. You were ashamed of me weren’t you?

You truly hated me! How could I have believed… You LIED to me. To my little girl. To her you were her world. She looked up to you.

I did too.

Now you are gone

What the fuck am I suppose to do??

Who will be proud of me now?

Who will tell me it is ok?

Who will sit there and just let me vent, every freaking day. Why did you leave?

You were suppose ro be around forever. You promise to see me do better…

But you left me…

You left me alone

And not even a week later he followed you too.

You were family.

I was suppose to make you both proud.

Just

I promise to better

Please come back home.

I will go to church every Sunday. I won’t question a thing. I will be a better mother. I will smile on command. I will get a job and go to school. I will do it all and more.

Just please please call me so I can walk out that door and see you.

Please let me make you proud.

I know you are gone now

I just handle it right now.

Rational irrationality

I am angry, and in my head it js for a very valid reason.

I am angry and no amount of “your being unfair” is going to fix it.

I am angry and your anger will only ignite it.

Today is my daughters birthday. My pride and joy is turning four years old.

Yet to me it was a horrible day.

She did have a really good day but it hurt to hear all these excues to why people didn’t call to talk to her.

Not as though anyone makes time for her most any other day but I thought people would try to make an effort to speak to her. Those who did called later on in the day. Late late at night when any other day she woukd have been preparing for bed.

I understand that people work and what not but seriously. No one could call before work? Are lunch breaks not a thing? She is four. She doesnt care if you call long enough to even just sing her happy birthday. Rarely does she ever want to sit on the phone for longer than five mins. Yet no one…no one called her during reasonable hours. Only two people had a valid excuse and even they called pretty. Her aunts,uncles,cousin,father, grandparents no one called her.

Yet those who do not share her blood made time for her. They helped me throw her an amazing party. They got her presents she will cherish greatly ( for the next few months or so)

People started flooding in with their love and well wishes after I made a post for not calling, but again this was people who didn’t share her blood.

My best friends…my supposed best friends said nothing.

I can’t help but hate the world right now for this very simple reason.

Whether I am being rational or not is not something I care about at this moment.

I know it is silly but right now I feel…betrayed. Yes betrayed because I always try to be there for others and yet no one seems to care about the most important person to me. Damn my birthday and other memorable events.

It is her day. The celebration of her life and how dare they say they love and care for her when they can’t even make time out of theirs to check up on her.

I am so done with everything.

She still had a good day but I will remember this.

Listen and repeat

I want to show you that I love you

Is there a way in which I can do this?

One day I got sick. Nothing to bad but bad enough to were I couldn’t get out of bed without experiencing some pain. Being a single parent, an illness like this can be hard to deal with.

My child understood I was sick but not why every time I moved I suddenly wanted to cry or why I sat on the couch most of the day.

She always plays even when she is sick and wanted me to do the same. So I had to work through my pain and be there for her. Even when I just wanted to lay down and sleep. I still made all of her meals, watched tv, and played games with her.

I wanted to give up and sleep so bad though. At one point I actually did fall asleep. My daughter stayed by my side the whole time playing on my phone.

I felt like such a monster when I woke up. How could I fall asleep while my child was awake???

But what could I do?

I had no one who could watch her. The last time I went to the hospital over an illness they called CPS cause I didn’t have anyone to watch her while I went to the emergency room and was potentially admitted. So that was out of the question.

Basically I was forced to parent through my illness (which was food poisoning by the way my. My daughter didn’t get it cause she doesn’t eat meat and I was experimenting)

I think most parents, even many single parents, do not think about stuff like this.

How they will go about things sick and without help.

I once knew of a family where both mother and child were wheelchair bound. Do people understand how difficult that is?

Not many.

We take things for granted all the while judging others for not being just like us.

Sitting in the battle field

Grabbed the man I tried to kill

Looked in the eye and questioned why

Why must we go through life

With blinders in our eyes

Looking forward in days on end

Thinking naught of those who stand

Beside us as we crawl on by

Judge them harshly for choices unknown

As though we do have to make our own

Standing on the battle field

Clutching the hand of the man I tried to kill

Asking God for the reason why

Taking this life was seen as right

What made him beneath me

What made it so we can’t see

Those who stand Beside as

As we crawl through people we can’t see

Bloody hands are grasping me

Eyes clenched but begging me

What gives us the right to what life

Is worth less then another’s

We go through life breathing

Deceiving those who stand close by

Ignoring them with all out might

But judging them if they come within sight

Walking across the battle field

I can no longer feel a thing

Ask and answer

I often ask myself silly questions I would not dare bring up to anyone else.

Thing that make me blush or smile. Things that make me cry awhile.

I ask myself these things because they help me feel alive.

For awhile I have the will to survive.

What kind of future will she have?

Will I be there or will I be dead?

How can I make her happy?

How will she feel if I hold her on my lap, even when she is 20?

I ask myself because I can.

I ask myself so that I may continue till the end.

Letters to a Father

I can no longer remember your face.

When I was younger you where there. Not always there┬ábut a little thought in the back of my mind. I HATED how you came around when you felt like it. I know you told me it was my moms fault you weren’t constant, but till this day I do not believe that to be fact.

Just like you said how you number never changed, nor did my grandmothers, you could have called her any day. Found out where we where and took us away. Do you know how much pain we went through?

No, I guess not since you never bothered with us. Just made excuse after excuse.

Dear Dad , I do not remember you. I do bot remember your voice, your smile, your eyes. I Do remember your anger and your lies.

I guess it is my fault I hold on to such a grudge but I made the mistakes of my mother and laid with someone I didn’t love.

Now I have a daughters whose father she don’t know. She don’t know his face, his eyes, the way he smiles over silly things. No all she remembers is the pain of him never being around.

Broken promise after promise.

Sounds familiar to me now.

Dear Dad, I hate you.

But I guess you knew that.

Or maybe you didn’t because you delude yourself into thinking I was never created. I am just a figment of your demented imagination.

Do you know my favorite color or my favorite song? Do you remember my best friends name or what first made us get along? I told you all this a million times but did you listen?

I wish you had left me spattered on the bed sheets but then I wouldn’t have my baby girl.

Dear Fuckbutt, I despise you.

How dare you do her like he do. She deserves so much better than some well wishes. She fucking deserves her fathers kisses. I do not need no imagined truths. Tell her what you post online, don’t you know she needs you???

Wrote a letter to my father but inside I meant you.

Dearest Papa

Dearesr PaPa,

Do you even miss me? I spend most of my days wishing all is well for…but I can’t seem to bring myself to finish that half truth.

I don’t wish you well I wish you hell.

You left me when I needed you. No, I take that back.

To be fair, you were never truly there. Just a shadow of what could be. Of what should be.

Dearest papa, do you know how much I have cried.

Bet you would care if I drowned in my tears at night.

I do try, I truly do, to wish you well in your days.