Rational irrationality

I am angry, and in my head it js for a very valid reason.

I am angry and no amount of “your being unfair” is going to fix it.

I am angry and your anger will only ignite it.

Today is my daughters birthday. My pride and joy is turning four years old.

Yet to me it was a horrible day.

She did have a really good day but it hurt to hear all these excues to why people didn’t call to talk to her.

Not as though anyone makes time for her most any other day but I thought people would try to make an effort to speak to her. Those who did called later on in the day. Late late at night when any other day she woukd have been preparing for bed.

I understand that people work and what not but seriously. No one could call before work? Are lunch breaks not a thing? She is four. She doesnt care if you call long enough to even just sing her happy birthday. Rarely does she ever want to sit on the phone for longer than five mins. Yet no one…no one called her during reasonable hours. Only two people had a valid excuse and even they called pretty. Her aunts,uncles,cousin,father, grandparents no one called her.

Yet those who do not share her blood made time for her. They helped me throw her an amazing party. They got her presents she will cherish greatly ( for the next few months or so)

People started flooding in with their love and well wishes after I made a post for not calling, but again this was people who didn’t share her blood.

My best friends…my supposed best friends said nothing.

I can’t help but hate the world right now for this very simple reason.

Whether I am being rational or not is not something I care about at this moment.

I know it is silly but right now I feel…betrayed. Yes betrayed because I always try to be there for others and yet no one seems to care about the most important person to me. Damn my birthday and other memorable events.

It is her day. The celebration of her life and how dare they say they love and care for her when they can’t even make time out of theirs to check up on her.

I am so done with everything.

She still had a good day but I will remember this.

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Say it with me

I like the words low self-esteem. That makes it seem like there is hope. That one day it can come back.

Now zero self-esteem, that is a different story. That means there is no chance of it coming back without some outside help.

But how can we go about life lacking it and expect others to help us. We are always being told that if we do not love ourselves then no one else will love us. So what if a person hates themselves with a passion, does that mean that they will always be alone?

I like to think that there is a chance they can be happy. It will just take someone from the outside to help them see the light.

She used to be hopeful

She used to try

She used to smile

Once upon a time

A bright future a head of her

But her head in the clouds

She used to be normal

Then she was found

In a backend ally

With her knees on the ground

Surrounded by people

But lost in the sound

She used to be everything

She used to be love

Now she is nothing

Someone we all judge

Needle in her arm

And hate in her heart

How did this happen

What tore her world apart?

She used to be helpful

She used to be wise

She used to be everything

In her loved ones eyes

But now she is found

Laying in the ground

Surrounded by people

But lost in the sound

Of her own imagination

Of her own mistakes

She used to full of life

And now she slowly breaks

Needle in her arms

Blood on her legs

Crawling on the ground

To get away from the people

That roughly surround

She wants to be lost

Stuck in her own sound

Not really untitled

Escape: a short and sweet poem by the petty poet production.

She sleeps by the window still

Hoping the cold will take her breathe

Not a day goes by that she doesn’t await this death

A sweet reminder of times that past

A goodbye forever to those who never had

An escape from the future of which she craves

A slow drag into a muddy grave

But, alas, she slumber on

Wishing to kiss death with all her might

Only to wake to the unforgiving morning light

Tomorrow

Today I do not really feel good. My depression is getting to me. I can not leave my house unless someone actually makes me leave. I can’t say no to invite no matter how much I want to.

I sit and struggle to stay awake. Sleeping forever seems like such a good idea right now.

I get so frustrated….so angry with just about everything.

My daughter was singing today and it felt as though she was scrapping her nails against a chalkboard. Not to say she couldn’t sing but the sound. The fact that she was happy and singing made me so mad. I had to leave the room. I apologized for telling her to stop. No! Not telling, I freaking yelled for her to stop.

She got so upset so I apologized, but the anger was still there.

I had to leave the room for a bit. I didn’t go back for maybe 30 mins or more. Just hid in my room and cried.

I am doing this all on my own. I have friends but I can’t feel it. Like there is a void that is stopping me from accepting the fact that people…Care

It hurts. I know that it is there and it hurts. I hate myself for feeling this way, but who can I talk to? I feel as though I am being judged all the time. So who can I talk to? Who can really help me understand that things are not what they seem.

My?

Maybe…

Honestly I am just going through the motions.

Wading through this until it ends. That is all I can do. So I do it.

I am ever grateful for the people who put up with me regardless.

Not worth it

People are not worth trusting. They all lie, every single last person, I hate it so much. I wish I could just find some place to be alone. Some place where no one can hurt me but myself.

Where it is safe to be me and just simmer in my pain. But I can’t, I have responsibilities that make it so I have to stay here. So I go on pretending that everything is ok when it is not. I get my hopes up only to be shot down in the end.

I hate people. I hate people so much and I hate myself most of all.

I can’t remember me

 

Just another part of the machine allowing to to function

going on about life as though it was nothing

I was different and now I am not

I am one of the group

part of the flock

a follower of the mans word

Someone with a lot of fault

I never meant for this to happen

I just wanted the pain to stop

I do not know how I got this way

It truly wasn’t suppose to be

but I needed a reason to continue on breathing

So here I am, phone in hand

pretending to give a damn about those around me

 

When the sky talks back

I have lost a lot of blood

taken away by those I love

they show they care by beating me bare

putting salt into the wounds

wishful words of contempt

smiles tell me what they truly meant

Say they love me

Say they care

Say that no matter what they will be here

Lies and Slander from thine Queen

Bringing me pleasure from the wipes sting

I crave the sky when it sings

as it blames me for being me

Angels fly on high

With pitch fork wings

just hoping that I die

I love the sound of the singing sky

It reminds me of why I am alive

Why I go on when inside I have died

Because when all is said and done

I know that I am loved by my only son

My little one in the sky

despite the pain

despite the hate

despite that smiles I am supposed to fake

There is someone who cares

Down here it may hurt to feel

I may be judged and hated without fear

I may have the world trying to break me

but way up high

passed the fake angels in the sky

there lies a soul full of love

there lays someone who will never let go

Down here people blame me

they hate me for things I did not know

they pelt me with bloody rocks

then are ask me to forgive

show me words filled with venom

then say they are my friend

I so love when the sky sings

It reminds me of better thing.

That despite all this there is someone who loves

Someone who forgives

Up past the false angels with their pitch black wings

There is someone who loves me and all of my sins.

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The loss of a child is a powerful, traumatic event that many people have sadly gone through. As a single mother to one I feel for them greatly. No matter in what way this child is loss the pain can linger with the families till they take their very last breath.

For all those lost Fly High Little Ones. Your families love you very much. Thank you for watching over them as they go about life.