Tomorrow

Today I do not really feel good. My depression is getting to me. I can not leave my house unless someone actually makes me leave. I can’t say no to invite no matter how much I want to.

I sit and struggle to stay awake. Sleeping forever seems like such a good idea right now.

I get so frustrated….so angry with just about everything.

My daughter was singing today and it felt as though she was scrapping her nails against a chalkboard. Not to say she couldn’t sing but the sound. The fact that she was happy and singing made me so mad. I had to leave the room. I apologized for telling her to stop. No! Not telling, I freaking yelled for her to stop.

She got so upset so I apologized, but the anger was still there.

I had to leave the room for a bit. I didn’t go back for maybe 30 mins or more. Just hid in my room and cried.

I am doing this all on my own. I have friends but I can’t feel it. Like there is a void that is stopping me from accepting the fact that people…Care

It hurts. I know that it is there and it hurts. I hate myself for feeling this way, but who can I talk to? I feel as though I am being judged all the time. So who can I talk to? Who can really help me understand that things are not what they seem.

My?

Maybe…

Honestly I am just going through the motions.

Wading through this until it ends. That is all I can do. So I do it.

I am ever grateful for the people who put up with me regardless.

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Heart of gold

I haven’t any idea but I will make it seem like I do.

If you look closely you might be able to understand

See I hold my own fate in my hands

But I don’t think I should have this ability

So I pass it on to those who come to close

Give them control of me and hope that all goes ok

They manhandle me and it will all be ok

I trust in them

I need to

They become my very existence

They become my everything

See cause I don’t know what I should do

So I give my fate to all of you

I treat you with kindness and take your abuse

I deserve it you see

Because you can see the real me

I can’t fathom life without them

I don’t care if my fate is diseased

I can’t be in control of anything

So be gentle

Or be rough

In the end it won’t matter

Cause I don’t know how to give up