As long as you will have me

I figured this would happen but still I had hoped

I had prayed with all my soul that this will be ok

But yet again my prayers end in vain

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have never felt this pain though I know of many who have. Today we sit in remembrance of those who have lost a small part of them. A child was taken without reason.

We bow our heads to the ground then lift them on high. We allow ourselves to cry for little ones we never got to meet, taken from us way to soon.

No parent should ever be forced to outlive their child. This is not the plan. We are supposed to be long dead before they join us.

See I have never felt such a pain. I have never had a miscarriage but I know many who have. I have never had a stillbirth, but I know many who have. And for those many that I know I cry for them.

I say to them that I am sorry for their loss. That I am there for them whenever they need me. I will not tell them that it was Gods plan. I will not tell them how they should be happy that they can even have kids. I will not lie tell them this sick twisted words.

Instead I will hold them close and tell them I love them.

Instead I will do my best to love them, to show them I love them, and help them the best I can as they heal.

For this is a pain that never goes away. It lingers near even when things seem ok. I will be there for them as long as they have me.

To all those who have lost a little one. Know that you are loved. Know that it isn’t your fault no matter the means. That you are cared for. Know that no one will ever forget the person who isn’t with us today. That we are with you. Know that no matter what I am with you.

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The Liar in me

Eating a small childs candy shouldn’t make me feel like a monster…but it does. Especially if that child is my own. Most times then naught she will go lookong for said candy in hopes of having it for herself. There are times when I just tell her that she may have misplaced the candy or may have already eaten it.

Of course it is a lie but I do it every time. With Halloween coming around I start to fear for my sanity. Just how many pieces of chocolate will go missing?

How many now and laters will I consume before she starts to take notice?

Granted many of the candies I eat she is to young to have but when will it end???

I often have to remind myself that in only a few short years she will be able to go trick or treating without me. She will be able to count and control her hoard of sweets. I will be left out unless I do the right thing….be an adult and buy my own candy instead of stealing my daughters.

But what kind of parent would I be if I didn’t teach her not to share. At least that is what I am telling myself as I munch on her jawbreakers.

Ask and answer

I often ask myself silly questions I would not dare bring up to anyone else.

Thing that make me blush or smile. Things that make me cry awhile.

I ask myself these things because they help me feel alive.

For awhile I have the will to survive.

What kind of future will she have?

Will I be there or will I be dead?

How can I make her happy?

How will she feel if I hold her on my lap, even when she is 20?

I ask myself because I can.

I ask myself so that I may continue till the end.

Post haste with paper and paste.

What is it like before it ends? Moments filled with laughter and pain? Is it worth it?

I think it is.

I was created to a punching bag, something meant to be destory all in the name of fun. Do not pity me though, I am ok with this.

I knew the moment I was born that I was meant to die this way.

I remember the smile on my  creaters face. 

Their pride was addictive. Held together with paper and glue; I never thought I amounted to much. Cheaply made but they where proud anyways.

The exciment, the laughter, easy to forget the pain.

It took awhile for them to find me. The perfect family to want me. The feel as the child held me in their arms. I don’t think I will ever forget it. 

The car ride home was the  scariest part. while the child was happy to have me they still worried. What if their friends didn’t like me? What if I wasn’t enough? Where they to old to love me?

I remember how their  parents just laughed, “It will be ok”.

The child grasped me closer nodding but still confused. 

I wanted nothing more then to comfort them. Even though I knew my fate I still wanted them to smile. 

When we had gotten to their home the child gently walked in and placed me on the counter. Running their hands along my face and tail. Leaving warm trails along my side. 

The parents walked up;  bowls of candy in each hand. 

I won’t lie, I was afriad. I wished I had the abilty to run at that moment. I knew what would happen. I was proud  but still… the pain wasn’t something I looked forward too. 

They were gentle though. Not to rough as the filled me to the brim. Still I shook (or at least I think I did).

The child  stood by me the whole time though. Reminded me off my creater with how serene he was. Even when faced with something difficult and new, they stayed brave. In the end it made even me feel brave. 

Once the parents were done they walked away. I stayed that way for sometime before someone came for me. They gently carried me outside and tied me to a nearby tree. To me it seemed to high but I know the little ones would it perfect so I had no complaints really. It took awhile longer for people to arrive. As they did I made sure to watch and get an understanding of the guest. The kid in blue looked like he packed a punch while the boy with the cornflower hair seemed timid and thoughtful. Many more beside them ran inside. Each with their own story, their own personality, their own power. 

I was still in control though, I got to choose which one had the honor of taking my life. 

To others it  seem like a grave power to have but I was ok with it. Proud even; I was in control of my own destiny.  How many others could say that? 

As the final hour crawled closer I sat and watched. The children played merrily as the adults rushed around stopping little spats and encouraging fun. 

It was all so exciting.  I watch as the little timid boy, the oddest in the bunch of hyper children, stand by himself. Ignoring even the young birthdays boys attempts to play. At first I felt pity for him but then I realized that he was truly enhoying himself. Sure it wasn’t like the other little boys but the soft smile on his face allowed me to see that he took pleasure it watching the lives of others. 

This little boy reminded me much of myself. Watching from the outside. As carefree as can be, yet thoughtful. 

I decided that he would be the one to kill me. 

A/N 

I was never one for happy stories but this is the closest I have ever gotten to one. I have decided to not show the finishing moments because we all know how that goes. Instead i wanted to show the pinatas viewpoint from creation to moments before it is destroyed. 

If it had feeling would it be ok with it being broken? I like to think it would. It would be bringing joy to children. Yes it will hurt but life is never easy. This was a special pinata and it felt looked because it was. I remember always wanting one as a kid. I loved going to others peoples parties and having fun especailly with this ginat paper mache madness come out. These words of art that will be destroyed in the end but is well loved beforehand. 

How many of us has had one and held it closely to our hearts because we felt it was the best thing ever. The excited smiles and giggles. 

Even though it is the parents and other kids who decide who is lucky enough to break the pinata I felt that it was best to leave it up to the one who will be broken. It was always interesting how much effort it took to break one and how sometimes it seemed to take forever and others it didn’t take as long. Almost like the person who broke it was choosen. 
I found this via google and think I may keep doing this. 

Love

A word often used to describe two or more people who care for each other. 

A word I don’t always feel.
I wanted to be 

Wanted to feel. 

Wanted to know that this life was real

Instead I am hated

Instead I drowned

Instead I beaten, dead on the ground.

I hate what I have become

a shell of a person I don’t remember anymore.

Was I ever really happy? 

Or was I always so close to death door. 

Tattle teller

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Remember when lying was a sin?
It was about the same time when we discovered the horrors of the words “shut up” or pointing at people.

Remember when lying got us in trouble, but at the end of the day we knew we were loved.
Remember when lying was something we tried our hardest never to do
When things were so much easier if we told the truth.
Remember when we were first told to lie.
‘Don’t tell that lady she has a mole’
‘Don’t tell that person you don’t like them’
‘Don’t tell mom/dad’
‘Tell your teacher we lost your homework paper and you need a new one’
‘Don’t worry, I will call you in sick’
‘Pretend you didn’t hear them ‘

Lie.. Lie…LIE…Lies!
All perfectly good lies.

Sorry I am tattling though.

Karma

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Breaking the habit that burns the soul
Making it the reason to breathe no more
Fight for what is right while praying for the wrong
Taking the time to think some more
This day we stand and fight
Knowing that what we lost is never coming back
Losing all hope we raise up our arms
Knowing full well that death is near
We go into battle with fear
Determined death
We take our last breath
We fought for peace
Know that we wouldn’t live long enough to see the day
When it all comes to play
We fight for our children
With sweat and blood