E is for Enough

I give up!

I fucking give up on everything.

Of course I am not enough. I didn’t get to say goodbye. You didn’t even give me a chance. You refuse to let me see you as you lay dying in your hospital bed.

You said I was like a granddaughter to you yet you wouldn’t see me at the end. Told the world that you cared. I am sure that is not what you meant. You were ashamed of me weren’t you?

You truly hated me! How could I have believed… You LIED to me. To my little girl. To her you were her world. She looked up to you.

I did too.

Now you are gone

What the fuck am I suppose to do??

Who will be proud of me now?

Who will tell me it is ok?

Who will sit there and just let me vent, every freaking day. Why did you leave?

You were suppose ro be around forever. You promise to see me do better…

But you left me…

You left me alone

And not even a week later he followed you too.

You were family.

I was suppose to make you both proud.

Just

I promise to better

Please come back home.

I will go to church every Sunday. I won’t question a thing. I will be a better mother. I will smile on command. I will get a job and go to school. I will do it all and more.

Just please please call me so I can walk out that door and see you.

Please let me make you proud.

I know you are gone now

I just handle it right now.

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D is for Destined

I am having a bad time keeping up with this this year. Maybe I am destined to fail. I have to try my best but I feel as though it isn’t good enough. Maybe it is because I am trying to write about something that is still so fresh in my heart. I have lost so much these past few years. I want go say goodbye but I don’t feel as though I am strong enough.

C is for Cure

Decribe what makes you whole and I will do my best to destroy it.

-Words Said to a Lovers Captive.

I know what it is like to bleed. I know what it is like to crave the pain. I don’t know what it is like when it is the only thing keeping you sane.

My head hurt so bad right now. It feels as though something is crawling in my skull. Ripping me apart from the insides and pushing itself behind my eye balls. I can feel it’s slow decent into my organs. Slowly devouring me and yet I still breathe. It is so very painful and seems never ending. I am not really sure when this feeling started. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t there.

I want it to stop but…I am not even sure if I will know how to love without it.

B is for Blush

I am not sure how old I was when I loat my first friend. I know I was fairly young and the idea of death wasn’t really big. I knew people died but it didn’t really mean much. Death was final and yet not final at the same time. This may have been because I went to my first funeral when I was around two years old.

I remember the casket clearly. Or as clear as a possible two year old can. It was white…maybe pink. So very very tiny. It held the body of a young girl who had died in her sleep. She seemed big to me though I have been told that the girl was around my age.

Her casket was tiny but she appeared so big.

I remember dancing and playing in the aisles as people cried. There was so much crying going on. I didn’t know this girl…it wasn’t until I was older that I realized I never would.

As I aged I went to a lot of funerals. Never again a child and nearly always males. The female line of my family tends to live forever it seems. I only have one grandfather who is still alive. I have lost many uncles and great uncles and great great uncles. And make cousins…yes…I have lost plenty of those as well.

But

That casket.

That tiny casket with the not so tiny girl. She has always stuck in my mind.

I am not sure if I was related to her. My mother doesn’t like to talk about her much since she was born the same year as my older sister. I think maybe even just hours apart and at the same hospital. I think it makes my mom feel guilty that her child lived while the other ladies child did not.

I am not sure though. I have only met the mother once. I remember the hungry look in her eyes every time she glanced at my sister.

As a kid I figred she was some creepy lady. As in adult I understand. I understand her looks and shaking hands as she patted my sisters face. I understand why she ignored me. I understand why her and my mother walked on egg shells when they spoke. I understand it all to well.

See while I have never lost a child I lost a friend at a very young age. I have lost siblings. I have seen friends cry after they spoke of the children they had lost.

I have seen blushing brides with a baby bump turn to tear stained widows with scars.

I have seen it all and more.

So, while I have never lost a child, I can still grieve with them. I can hold them close and understand. Maybe not fully but enough to be there when needed

A is for Accend

You know what, it didn’t happen. I refuse to believe it happened!

Lovely Ascension

By Zoha Lixue

Moments ago we spoke

We talked

We laughed

We planned

We figured the next day we would do it all again

But then I got that call

Lost it all

Whispered pleas

‘Come on Jess, it wasn’t your fault

How could you have known

You are not to blame,

Sure you didn’t get to say-‘,

What! No!

It didn’t happen

Fuck goodbyes

I refuse to acknowledge such lies

I can’t wait for you to walk through the door

A smirk on your face

Laughter in your eyes

It is lies

All fucking lies

Please don’t make me say goodbye

24 ways to say goodbye

In my young years I have lost many friends. Some I still think about daily while others I think about whenever I open up a year book. Every last one of them meant something to me. They are cherished and still so very loved. I never got to say goodbye. I want to try this month. I want to try and show them how much they meant to me. Even though they are not here I want to give them a proper send off.

My Space queen

My Leader

My Commander

My family

All my friends

All deserve to be remembered.

This month I hope to make them all proud in the only way I know how.

This is the theme I will try to stick to. Please bear with me this April as I say goodbye in 24 different ways.

How to pass

Midterm season is upon us! As my peers and I wallow in self doubt and loathing for our teachers, let us gather around and try to think of the good in life.

Did I mention I failed my first midterm test?

Yep, I, lover of all things psycho, failed my psychology midterm.

Yet I managed to pass my philosophy test. You know, the class that walks hand in hand with each other as all fated minds to.

Question!

How the FREAK did I manage to fail one yet pass the other when they had virtually the same questions.

I am just baffled by the fact that I royally screwed up on one but managed to conjure up an A with the other. A solid 97% people….97%

Someone explain this!

Ok ok but this post talks about how to pass. Not how to fail so epically that one questions the very reason they breathe.

I would like to point out that I am still passing psychology but only with a B. It was lower after the test but I forgot how low it got and just brought it up to a B. I think it was a low C for a few days.

So how did I manage to pass you didn’t ask??

Well the honest answer is…I have no clue. The B.S answer, and this is the one I am sticking to if family and friends ask, is that I studied my ass off everyday. I asked questioned when need and didn’t use the sources found on Wikipedia pages *chokes on obvious lies* .

Now that spring break is upon us, or ending for some of you, let us go back to our roots of total disinterest in our futures because our caretakers pretty much did everything for. Go out in the world and adult the hardest you have ever adulted before but never lose focus on the fact we all suck before we die. So try your hardest to do all the things.

A/N this is a Petty Poet Verse Advise. Please ignore the rantings of this obvious lunatic and remember that you are valued and loved. Your grades do not define who you truly are as a person. Be proud of who you are and all that you accomplish. Sure you may not always get the grade you want but you still matter. You are still important and no matter what you will make it through this.

From the words of a petty person to the next. You are worth it.