Story of make believe 

Hello, I am black

It is not who I am but the color of my skin

Not my name but what I am known for

Hello,I am black

This is a statement and fact

Something to which I can not change

No matter how much others may want it

I can not dye it a certain flavor

To make it easier for others to saviour 

It doesn’t change my insides

Though I know how much you want me to hide 

Hi, I am black

This fact holds me back 

Makes others decide my fate in life

Not allowed to say my piece before it is pointed out to me

That I am, in fact, black

Judge and hated by those who crave it

A rebellious phase to touch 

Punished lust so hide we must

Locked doors with a passion 

My skin worn like Fashion

Hello, I am black

This statement brings a bad taste to your mouth

Apology accepted for your ancestors lies

Yet sit and swallow your own words everytime some a

Black person gives you a verse

Judge least not be judged

Your ancestors chose a path that you have since denied

Yet you turn a blind eye to what has not changed

Hi, I am black

I am still suppose to sit towards the back 

Accept the fact that you are the golden one

Shut my mouth against the hurt and the pain

That you have since spit anyways

But it is not always your fault

See others who share my trait still hate

Still try and hit me behind the stable

Cause I am different and unable

To love someone with the same traits

The same facts as me

Call me a slave who loves thy master 

Stockholm Syndrome spewed from a friendly pastor.

Whose only saving Grace is their age.

Their wisdom behind what truly happened.

Laying with the same face that beats and rapes

Is this what it was suppose to happen

Have I made my ancestors proud

Hello, I am black

And this fact has shaped my very being

Made me do say things I do not mean

Made me afraid of change for change sake

Made me hate those who continue to debate the truth

The truth being that I am just like you.

With all my traits, we are the same

On the inside at least

My skin should not be the factor for my future and my past

Should not be the reason I am set back by the classes

Hated by masses who look like me

Speak like me

Think like me

All because I am black

Hated by those who hurt like me

Who are broken like me

Who live their lives like me

Because I decided to ignore the divide 

And love someone I shouldn’t

There is a thin line between us all yet I dared to be the bridge

So watch as other shield the eyes of their kids

Watch as they turn their backs on my fact

Because of whom I love and the color that is me

Hello, I am black

This is statement and fact

But it should not define me

Ideal situations: My BPD 

Do you think they would tell her why I did it? Or would they keep it a secret and let her guess.

Would they tell her that I gave up on life?

Or would they explain to her how much I tried to survive.

Tell her how much I love her and how I cared. How many days I spent crying cause I wanted to be there. Those days I hated myself she is the only one who could make me believe.

In the end will they tell her the truth or would they just pretend?

I often wonder what would happen if I was to give in. I can’t do it cause I love her so, but damn, I want my life to end.
What would they tell my little girl if I was to succeed.  A bunch of bullshit lies or the truth they didn’t want to see.

I fucking hate myself and want to die but I can’t.

I have a little girl who needs me, at least that is what they tell me.

I think she will be ok. Rather be dead with her grieving then go about life hating the world because of my depression. Hating the world cause of my urges.

I rather her know that I love her and I tried then go through life hating it cause I made it hell.
But still…

If I did it what would they tell her.

My precious baby girl, what would they say.

In my head my death is a welcomed gift. Finally things will be ok.

But would they tell her this. Or would they make her think she was a mistake.

I love her so very much. Why Can’t I be allowed to give up?

I know they will tell her lies so that is why I stay. I stay so she will know that I love her everyday. I know her life will be hell and I know she may regret me. Still, I will be the bigger person and live despite being so empty

Long distance means nothing to me. 

When I was a child, I had a friend who lived in China.  I am not exactly sure what made us start being friends. I just know that nearly everyday I would try my hardest to stay up so that we could talk. With me being in America and 15, this was not always an easy feat. Still I considered this young man to be my brother. 

He was the kindest person I knew at the time. Even though we could only talk maybe 30 mins or so I still looked forward to our talks. 

Eventually I lost contact with him. I do not know the reason or even when we stopped talking, just that we did. 

I still think of him. He helped me through so much in life. 

I can only hope that he knows I still love him. He was the brother I did not get to keep. 

I love him so much. 

And miss him all the more.

A random status update

I have never been good at dealing with the death of a loved one. I have often found myself to be the only person openly crying at funerals. As everyone is floating around and celebrating, I was always the one calming talking to the body as though they could still hear me. The one everyone felt that needed to baby due to my delicate nature. 

It is funny though cause I actually celebrate death. I do not pretend to be happy with a passing. Instead I let myself feel sad. I do not hade behind perfect smile and tell everyone thanks for coming. No I kneel and allow the person I have lost know I love and will always remember them. I celebrate death once I have grieved.

Not to say smiles or laughter at a funeral should not happen cause they should. I just don’t do it. 

I am not very religious, but despite how some of my poems may seem, I love religion of all kinds. Including Christianity.  I may not follow all the teachings but I do not find it horrible. 

So I can understand how something that is something  we need to sing about. 

I am just quieter…..

Still….

I wish people would stop seeing my tears as a weakness. I wish they would talk to me. Let me tell them that sure I am crying, but I will be on in time. 

Why do people hide death from me? Treat like a little flower who needs to be protected? Has anyone read my poems and stories??? Seriously, I will be ok. Just give me time. Let me vent, let me grieve in my own way. 

Spaceships

Hello, I have BPD and it does define me. I refuse to lie and say it doesn’t.  I have anxiety and I have depression. I have mood swings out the ass, and there are moments when burning down a building full of people I hate sounds like a really good idea.

I can’t stand loud noises unless I make them. I jump to conclusion quickly but I also like to take time to think about what is going on. I feel to much at a time. Though there are times I feel nothing at all. My anger isn’t like yours. Something so small can make me feel like John Wick after someone killed my dog. I will hunt you down and I destroy every thing you love dearly. I will not only destroy that but I will make sure everyone knows what kind of monster you all. Nothing will be held back.

My happiness isn’t like yours. The smallest thing can make me smile for hours on end. You can tell me someone called you a bitch and I will still smile like it is the best thing ever.

My sadness isn’t like yours. When I am sad I  am dead inside. I feel nothing but that pain and it will spiral. Know how people joke about how girls will bring up stuff that happened years ago in an argument? Well imagine that happening all the time. When I get sad every bad thing comes to mind. Stuff I did as a kid is suddenly brought up in my head.  I will beat myself up over it and hate myself anew. I will contemplate suicide in a dark room. I will pretend that I am ok but I am not. I will smile amd make jokes, but instead be making up the seating arrangements for my funeral. Who will say what and when. Who will lie and say they love me and who won’t even show up. Don’t worry I have always known how my funeral will look, only the music changes with each reimage.
My emotions are not like others. They are to high. Ever got a song stuck in your head? How the tempo seems to go faster and faster. Louder and louder till you feel a snap! That is my life. My every day unless I go numb.
That is my Borderline Personality Disorder.
It hurts to sleep sometimes.

I can’t build relationships cause I either trust to much or to little. One minute I will love a person and the next they are satans midwife. Giving birth to a new evil who will take over this world instead of killing it when they had the chance.

I have BPD and it defines me. It is who I am but I try to not let it control me. Do not forget is there though. Do not try to wish it away. It won’t magically go away so learn about it and understand who I am. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. This is me…

I refuse to say sorry for not saying goodbye

I did not say goodbye instead I sat there crying. 

I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t even think. Instead I cried for what felt like hours until my tears where spent.

Tried to fake a smile and pretend things are going ok. For my daughter I pretened that I am all right with this end. 

But I can’t seem to feel anymore. I can’t bring myself to care. All I have is a liquid heart because what was once there has melted. 

I am not happy with the hand I was dealt and really just want to lie down and give up. 

I Can’t even end this on a proper note. I can’t make a decent beat…im done.

Professional Loner

Getting rid of

Unfriending

No longer dealing with a negative person.

A simple story of how lies can destroy a person. Ignoring others and lying to get your way is not nice. It is especially bad to do to a friend. So much can go wrong with a little lie, even if it to save your own skin. Never ever pin mistakes unto others.

I do struggle with something like this. I get angry and take it out on others. Such as when something is bothering me I may yell at people who don’t even know whats going on. Or even I may give the silent treatment to a person who is only trying to help. It is a flaw of mine but the one thing I do not do to others and that is lie. To clarify,  everyone lies, no one tells the truth all the time. That doesn’t mean a person likes it. Now when I lie there are times I don’t know it is happening. Someone could ask me about the weather and I will tell them it is raining when it is sunny outside. Usually this is to people who can not confirm it such as those who live out of the country. The lie doesn’t get me anywhere and after it is said I have this inner conversation where I question why I did that. So, I don’t lie intentionally I should say…

Especially to a friend!

Today someone lied to me. Now this wasn’t a full face lie cause it held some truths.  No this was one of those where the person warped the events a bit. They searched for a problem and blew it out of proportion convincing themselves that I had lied. Now, I have BPD, and am the poster child for ruining a good thing for no clear reason other than I can handle the idea of something going right. Even with that I still admit to my faults.

If I fucked up I will say I fucked up no matter how hard it hurts. The key is to catch me fucking up. If I am getting a good grade in school, and someones praises me, I may unintentionally fail the next few test. Didn’t mean to but it got to nice. Too….everything I guess. I do this a lot and that is my BPD.

Still catch me in the act and point it out and I will admit to it (once I fully realize it of course)

So when this person accused me of doing something I didn’t I was surprised. I didn’t do anything to ruin the day and tried to make sure everything ran smoothly. Yet in the end I was left behind and hated. I was judged for things I had no part in. My words where twisted and used against me to justify their beliefs on what had and should have happened. It didn’t matter that I tried to work through the problem (thank you therapy!) No, all my attempts to rectify what happened was ignored. Ignored because they only wanted things to go their way or no way. So I lost a friend over something so stupid. I took the blame for things I did but was still ignored and accused of committing friendecide. I lead it to being killed even though it was the other way around. It was a new feeling to me and I don’t know how to process it.

I thought writing a bit would help. I am not sure it will and what follows doesn’t really make any sense. But I am trying…I guess.

So to the loss of a friend and the discovery of a new path in life.

I guess I was just meant to be a loner. Wonder if I could make a job out of it …yeppers. Professional Loner reporting for duty.

      Blackened skin covered bone sitting by the altar. A sight which all wishes would disappear as heavy hearts clamour near. Everyone is wanting for something, though the general census is that they don’t know what they want. They just want and want and want. Willing to ignore this painful sight. Willing to pretend that it is alright.

They will sprew lies as they see fit. It helps them sleep at night.

Blackened skin covered bone, weeping by the altar. It is ignored by those who clamour because they deem it unfit to be. Lies sprew forth as they seek. Trying, fighting, for their own dreams.

      Nothing wrong with caring for oneself as long as you don’t forget everyone else. Never ignore the blackened bone cause one day it could be your very own.