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I am a huge hypocrite.

Daily a friend or loved one will message me about the problems going on in their life. I always sit and listen and give advice when needed. Sometimes they just need me to be silent and others they need my anger. Sometimes my tears or enough and others they just need my love. I hear all these stories and yet I am afraid to tell my own.

I am not a liar in a way people would think it. I do not really know I am lying till I am doing it. It isn’t big lies really but small ones. I can never give a straight answer to basic questions.

If asked how I am, I will always say “I’m ok”

If asked how my day was, I will always say

“It was fine, could have been better, but still fine”

I am afraid to show my true self.

I guess cause I don’t want to burden them with my problems. Or maybe it is cause in the past I was always ignored in favor of their problems. I am not sure.

What makes me a hypocrite though is the fact that I can not take my own advice. I ask them to come to me with anything but do not do the same to them. I give them all my emotion but refuse to express it till it is to late. I hurt and hide but get mad when they do the same. I am the biggest hypocrite yet I do not see myself changing any time soon.

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7 Deadly Sins

As a kid I took a lot of personality test. There was a site devoted to them and I spent pretty much all day trying to figure out who I was.

Now this wasn’t your normal ‘Pick a word that best describes you ‘ quiz.

No, this was those quizzes where you tried to figure out what animal best represents you or those quizzes where you got to figure out how emo are you. Personal favorite was me going through all the tv shows to figure out whose personality fit me best. Things that don’t always tell a person who they are exactly. Just fun quizzes that meant the world to me.

Through all of this I took a quiz where it said which 7 Deadly Sin am I most like. I pretty much always got Lust.

I feel like I was a, excuse my language, one bad bitch for getting Lust. Have you seen the representation Lust gets on various TV shows. So that must mean I am somewhat good looking right!?

Well…no. See it wasn’t till I was older that I truly got what the 7 Deadly Sins were…or…are.

It was actually Dantes’ Inferno that set me straight. What a wonderful day that was. 10 years old and discovering sin for the first time thanks to the works of Dante. And by good day I mean I had nightmares for days.

No longer did I want to be associated with Lust. It was scary as hell and I wanted no part of that noise.

I am 24 years old now.

I can’t say that the idea of Lust is anymore appealing but I do know I do have a fatal sin. I know what it is the enemies could use against me.

It isn’t Lust. It was never Lust. It is Envy, Gluttony , and Wrath.

I am envious of those around me. Not to a dangerous point but enough that if people where to read my mind they would hate me. They would judge me. It causes so many problems in my life.

Gluttony. I have a hard time stopping once I have what I want. I cling to it and obsess over it. I must have more and more. I am not good with limits or boundaries and and prone to crossing both to the extreme.

Wraith. My anger can be a ok poison. I am not a kind person when I want to be and it is hard to stop me once I get angry. I will rage for day or even years. I won’t ever forgive or forget.

Now these are my ideas of my sins. These are why I feel this way. I do believe that everyone suffers from all 7 but I also feel that someone people sin in one way over another. Those who are lustful may not always be greedy but they may still live with greed in their hearts.

Much like my childhood fascination with quizzes this may seem silly to some. That’s ok. I am doing this because I know what I need to work on. At least I think I do. These are things that I know that are holding me back in life. I want to change for the better. These sins may never go away, they are already seared into my soul, but at least I have a good idea of where I am going ^-^

Rational irrationality

I am angry, and in my head it js for a very valid reason.

I am angry and no amount of “your being unfair” is going to fix it.

I am angry and your anger will only ignite it.

Today is my daughters birthday. My pride and joy is turning four years old.

Yet to me it was a horrible day.

She did have a really good day but it hurt to hear all these excues to why people didn’t call to talk to her.

Not as though anyone makes time for her most any other day but I thought people would try to make an effort to speak to her. Those who did called later on in the day. Late late at night when any other day she woukd have been preparing for bed.

I understand that people work and what not but seriously. No one could call before work? Are lunch breaks not a thing? She is four. She doesnt care if you call long enough to even just sing her happy birthday. Rarely does she ever want to sit on the phone for longer than five mins. Yet no one…no one called her during reasonable hours. Only two people had a valid excuse and even they called pretty. Her aunts,uncles,cousin,father, grandparents no one called her.

Yet those who do not share her blood made time for her. They helped me throw her an amazing party. They got her presents she will cherish greatly ( for the next few months or so)

People started flooding in with their love and well wishes after I made a post for not calling, but again this was people who didn’t share her blood.

My best friends…my supposed best friends said nothing.

I can’t help but hate the world right now for this very simple reason.

Whether I am being rational or not is not something I care about at this moment.

I know it is silly but right now I feel…betrayed. Yes betrayed because I always try to be there for others and yet no one seems to care about the most important person to me. Damn my birthday and other memorable events.

It is her day. The celebration of her life and how dare they say they love and care for her when they can’t even make time out of theirs to check up on her.

I am so done with everything.

She still had a good day but I will remember this.

I hate challenges and other extreme sports

Ok not going to lie, I failed, I have failed big time. Started to do a monthly challenge and like many thing in life, I failed.

I gave it a good start but then things happened and I just forgot or just had nothing to write.

Not sure why I make these kinds of promises. Was that sentience even correct. I can’t believe that I had to autocorrect sentience.

Goodness me.

I feel like I have much ranting to get in with but I will not. Instead I will stop making promises and actually start doing stuff. Write when I can write. Like actually take the time to do the things I say I will do. Stop saying and just do it.

I feel like I will start babbling soon. It is a special skill of mine. Going on and on about nothing is particular. I am extra good at going off on a tangent. Pretty sure extra good was the wrong thing to say….or put there…maybe it fits.

I am not sure! I freaking failed the grammar portion of every test I have ever taken and that includes Japanese as well.

Yep, I am so bad at grammar that I even failed it in a different language. Is that a skill? I am not sure but I have it.

100 followers

Yay 100(+)people actually like my writing.

This makes me so freaking happy.

Thank you so for the follows and feel free to comment or message me for anything.

Any kind of feedback is most appreciated ^-^

Hope you all have a blessed day

Long distance means nothing to me. 

When I was a child, I had a friend who lived in China.  I am not exactly sure what made us start being friends. I just know that nearly everyday I would try my hardest to stay up so that we could talk. With me being in America and 15, this was not always an easy feat. Still I considered this young man to be my brother. 

He was the kindest person I knew at the time. Even though we could only talk maybe 30 mins or so I still looked forward to our talks. 

Eventually I lost contact with him. I do not know the reason or even when we stopped talking, just that we did. 

I still think of him. He helped me through so much in life. 

I can only hope that he knows I still love him. He was the brother I did not get to keep. 

I love him so much. 

And miss him all the more.

Life as a Poster Child

Ever pay attention to those posters in your doctor’s office and say, “Glad that person isn’t me!”, Or , “Wow that’s sad, I should Facebook that”.

You never really stop to think if that person is truly like you. They could be talking about starving children in Africa, and all of a sudden you forget you are in that office due to an eating disorder, brought on from constant malnutrition as a child.

You forget it all because they seem worse off . You suddenly have your crap together, despite dying inside, because someone on that poster is suffering.

You will never see yourself as that child. Never see yourself hunched over in pain with overly watered eyes. Will never see yourself covered in bruises, crying in a dark corner as someone yells at you…again…

You will never see your scars as you stare at the poster of the child with scars on Their wrist.

You won’t see it because they are suffering more.

You will strive to get better, sure, but there is always someone out there that has it worse than you do.

It is like you invalidate what to have been through. Because you are…

It is easy to care about those poster kids. So why can’t we care about ourselves?

See, I am a poster child for mental health. Not the good kind but the one where the homeless kid in a beany (why are they always wearing beanies) is sitting on a bus stop (again why always a bus stop) looking at the people around them with vacant eyes. I am that girl ( cause it’s nearly always a female in these posters) who is homeless and clutching the hand of child. A child who may or may not be crying (usually not crying because that defeats the purpose of the unhappy mother. Always put lost mother next to somewhat better dressed and vacant eyed child. There lies the money-maker). 

Always surrounded by those who are better off.

In some shots she is smiling with her child and others they stand as if they are drones.

I am that poster child who is holding out a broken bowl for food

I am that child who covers their bandaged wrist.

I am that mother whom begs on the street corner for help.

I am them and I still believe that their suffering matter more than mine ever will.

I am a poster child who can’t help but view the posters of others and try to figure out the best ways to help them.

I know what my picture means, I will not ignore it, but at times I find myself forgetting all about it.
My suffering is no where equal to that of others.

My favorite poster to ignore is that of a single mom. Mainly cause there are not a lot of posters on the subject. At least not many attempting to seek help. 

Just success stories of those who rose up from the life given to them and raised children who is turn where successful. 

The “Thanks mom, Thanks dad” posters.

The ones littered around some community colleges.

They are there though, go, take a look. You are bound to find at least one or two posters, maybe just a pamphlet, stating something about single parents support-group. If you don’t find one I will make you a special gold star made of real gold and the tears of a very hangry dragon. A very hungry…very angry…dragon.

It is my favorite to ignore because I tell people that being a single parent isn’t that bad all the time. I tell them that I enjoy the solitude. That I am perfectly fine being single and alone. I like eating pizza with just a toddler. I hate going on dates anyways. That it eventually gets easier to tune out the most basic cartoon noises.

It is not that bad.

But it is.

It is that bad.

But I won’t tell anyone why. I won’t tell them that some days I go into my room and cry. How there are days when I washing the dishes and have to fight the urge to “accidentally” slice open my arm. I will never tell them of the days I resent my child. Of those times when I want to run away. See I can’t tell them that I go days without adult interaction and the reason I am so silent is because I forgot how to talk to people my age. I can’t tell them how my daughter is my best friend. They would think I was strange but she is the one person who has never left me. She has never abandoned me to the wolves and instead tells that I am the best person ever.

I talk to people online. They keep me insane more than they know.

If I died do you know how long my child would sit here alone? Days…maybe even weeks before someone started to worry about us. Even then it would be because I haven’t posted a video or picture of her.

I am the Poster child of a single mom.

But it is one I will greatly ignore. I will share pictures to the world about how single parenting can be fun. Every once in a while I will reach out for help.  Only rarely though.

I will lie to the best of them but am also willing to help others in the end. Other single mothers that is. The posters always meant more to me then my very own. I will seek help, I will not ignore, but I will invalidate my own poster for the better of others.

Cause I am the perfect poster child of a broken home.