Say it with me

I like the words low self-esteem. That makes it seem like there is hope. That one day it can come back.

Now zero self-esteem, that is a different story. That means there is no chance of it coming back without some outside help.

But how can we go about life lacking it and expect others to help us. We are always being told that if we do not love ourselves then no one else will love us. So what if a person hates themselves with a passion, does that mean that they will always be alone?

I like to think that there is a chance they can be happy. It will just take someone from the outside to help them see the light.

She used to be hopeful

She used to try

She used to smile

Once upon a time

A bright future a head of her

But her head in the clouds

She used to be normal

Then she was found

In a backend ally

With her knees on the ground

Surrounded by people

But lost in the sound

She used to be everything

She used to be love

Now she is nothing

Someone we all judge

Needle in her arm

And hate in her heart

How did this happen

What tore her world apart?

She used to be helpful

She used to be wise

She used to be everything

In her loved ones eyes

But now she is found

Laying in the ground

Surrounded by people

But lost in the sound

Of her own imagination

Of her own mistakes

She used to full of life

And now she slowly breaks

Needle in her arms

Blood on her legs

Crawling on the ground

To get away from the people

That roughly surround

She wants to be lost

Stuck in her own sound

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Day 3

A book you love.

I love a lot of books so this one will be extremely difficult.

I guess to make it easier I can explain what types of books I love. I am a sucker for romance. Not to say I will not read a book without it but 9/10 I am more likely to reach for a book that has some of romance in it.

I love a good book with a believable plot. That no matter how farfetched it may be it can still seem like reality if you don’t really think about it hard enough. There are some stories where something happens that is unbelievable. I am reading a book where dogs can turn into people. There is no clear explanation of why this happens, only that it does when the dog forms a deep and unbreakable bond with their families. This doesn’t happen for all dogs of course. What makes it somewhat annoying to me is just how easily people accept this. All the love interest are totally ok with their S.O turning into dogs. Like completely ok with this. So far, in the three books I have read, no one has really freaked out about it aside from a group of villains. And who wouldn’t freak out when you have a a group of various breeds of dogs coming at your throat and one just killed your accomplice. He had every right to panic.

The thing is, no one else does.

I also read another book. An amazing book that I love where the main character is an artist who suffers from a mental illness. This illness makes it so he has episodes of extreme anger and distrust. He is extremely promiscuous and wishes others to hurt him even if they do not want to. He is all shades of messed up (ha see what I did there) and needs help. He manages to not only befriend some random good person but have them fall in love with him as well. A seemingly straight guy he so happened to find and bone turned out to be this amazing dude who ends up loving him with all his soul. Now this isn’t a spoiler. You could see this coming from the get go. What I do not get, and can’t believe, is how much abuse this guy is willing to put up with for a guy he doesn’t know. No one in this side of reality does things like that. Especially with everything he put him through. Even I, who suffers from the same disability as the protagonist, would have said duces a long time ago. They are complete strangers and took insta-love to a whole new level.

Now despite these little pet peeves of mine (don’t worry I got plenty) I still love this books and their authors.

I love a book that confuses me. That makes me react. That makes me want to throw it down and scream at everyone and everything. I want to cry, I want to laugh,I want that when I finish a book and look up, I see the world in a different light.

It doesn’t have to happen all at once but a combination of the above must be going on for me to want to read it. There are series I never get tired of and there are others I can’t ever read again despite how amazing it was.

I grew up with Harry Potter being my freaking bible. Where Scary Stories to tell in the Dark truly scared the shit out of me. When R.L.Stine made me question my sanity (I was nearly always in love with the bad guy). All that has crossed into my adulthood. If I am not questioning my sanity after reading a book was it really worth It?

Today I am going back to years beyond and am reading The Tricksters Choice by Tamora Pierce. This is one series I can read over and over again without getting bored and still find something new to love about it.

Maybe I will even write a review for it. Who knows.

Day 2

Something you feel strongly about

I dislike bullies in all forms. What do I mean by all forms, well I mean I am the type of person that if I see two or more people fighting I try not to interfer unless it see some *cough* injustice going on. Just as ganging up on or bringing out those delightful racial or sexiest or homophobic slurs. Then I will jump in and say something. Though let’s say the person I am defending turns around and says something uncalled for, well I will call them out on it.

I am the type that in an argument I would apologize to the person I am arguing with if I or someone else said something extremely offensive.

To me that is what being a good person is. Standing up for what you believe in but also knowing when you are in the wrong.

I am passionate about *strikes hero pose* JUSTICE FOR ALL *dramatic music plays*

I will fight anyone over this, even those I love.

I think the problem with my age group and younger is that we extremely passionate about thinga but do not know when to quit or admit defeat. We want so much to be right that we do not try to learn for those we deem wrong. We are not willing to listen to anyone but ourselves. Even when we do take the time to learn we only truly pay attention to those views that align with our own.

So many groups and communities are changing and many not for the better. The are becoming more secluded and filled with hate because no one is willing to actually listen. We show empathy for our own kind till they express traits like are similar to those we hate and then we abandon them.

Calling them all types of phobics and haters.

It is disgusting really.

I am passionate about the truth. Passionate about knowledge and growing.

And above all else

*dramatic pose and music one more*

JUSTICE!!!

*head falls as it rains and the shadow of the broken town in live in stands tall in tbe background…music fades…scene turns to black*

30 day challenge

I have decided to attempt another 30 day challenge. I do not remember whose blog I got this from seeing as I forgot to save their name. I hope they stubble across this so that I may give them the credit due to them.

But yea….guess that is it ^-^

Day 1

Five ways to win your heart

I am not really sure. I guess on of the things that makes it easy to have my heart is food lol. I love lots of different kind of food and being able to talk and bond with someone while enjoying it is one sure way to win my love.

Aside from food maybe sharing my love of reading. I am a huge fan of books. They allow us to venture to new words and discover many things about ourselves that we may have kept hidden. They encourage us, make us feel, just let us be free when the world around us may try to shut us down. They are magical and someone loving books or being willing to talk about them is a sure fire way to my good side.

I know I only mentioned two things but really I can’t think of any others that may endear me to someone. I am pretty simple and easy to get along with I think.

I have my days just like everyone else though mine may be a bit…more… due to my BPD but I do try to make sure it doesn’t effect others to greatly.

Drop Dead Reader

There is a whisper in the wind that tells of an old friend. Someone who is missed above all else. Silent and unseen, the words tumble to and fro. Going ignored by those who are meant to see.

Dearest Reader,

I am a work in progress. I allow my world to rule me. I allow the actions of others to decide my fate. This is something I have always done, it is all I really know.

I try my hardest to change but I just keep making excuses to stay the same. For that I deeply sorry. Dearest reader I will not promise to change, because I know that at this moment I can’t, but I do promise to get better. To be better than all of this.

I want to write stories that change the world. And I can, I just need to change myself first.

So here I go. A step in a direction I do not know. Wish me luck dearest reader. I will need it.

Promptah

I find that writing prompts and challenges can sometimes help a person get into the habit of writing at a constant rate.  

Sadly when things happen, such as an illness, getting back into the pattern of things can be difficult. Often times it damn near impossible.

Last month I participated in a writing challege and was going strong till I not only got sick, but I had also gone to visit friends. 

It was so hard to start writing again. Sure I could have just wrote down anything yet it wouldn’t have fit my theme. My theme being questions and answers (stated for those who probably couldn’t tell). 
So this time I will doing random writing prompts and stalking Pinterest boards for things to help me get in the writing mood again. 

Todays prompt is quite interesting. 

I am not sure how I will go about writing it but I will try my best to keep it engaging.