Goodbyes are never enough

It pleases me to see you suffer

That means my job is done

I pretend to be a good mother

Give you all I will ever be

Tell you stories

Hold you close

I hide my secret safe inside of me

It pleased me to see you suffer

Made you believe all was well

Told you such pretty lies

Cherished your little smile

And told you love will set you free

It was so fun to see you hopeful

Right before I had to leave

I hate myself so much. Way more than people deem possible. There are days when I look forward to dying. I walk down the street and become upset every time a car gets to close only to figure out they are going to close to the side walk. I think it would be a good way to go. Though there are times when I am afraid of the pain. When dying seems to right but the pain of it makes it so I get a little frightened. Not a day goes by when I don’t wish it though.

What is even stranger it that I am a mother. I love my child with every fiber of my being. Even when I am angry with her I do not regret her at all. She gives me life and here I am wanting to take it away. I want to die despite the gift I have been given. No, I want to die to save the gift I have been given. With me around she will suffer. Am I monster because I find happiness in that?

My child tells me all the time that she loves me and that I am a good momma. It makes me smile when she says that but I know it is a lie. I am a horrible person. A horrible momma. Yet I continue to let her believe this lie. She tells me I am important and that she never wants to leave my side. I always tell her that I will never leave her. It’s a lie…there will be a day when I will finally be free…but I can’t tell her that at all. She doesn’t know it yet but she will suffer because of me. She will see just how disgusting I am.

But I am afraid when I think of it. I want to do it for her. I want to free her from me but I can’t.

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My mind

I wanted it to hurt, I know I deserve it, but I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I gave them a reason to hate me. I wanted to be left alone. I knew that if they stuck around it would be unbearable. So I did all I could to make them all go away.  I just didn’t figure out that this is how it would be.

 

I don’t like trusting people. It scares the shit out of me to trust someone. Once I do it is hard to stop and no matter what they do to me I can’t help but forgive them. There is a small glitch in this system though. Occasionally I am able to let them go. A So can cheat on me time and time again and I forgive them but they can do something such as lie about taking a drug and I am ready to break up never to think of them again. I will not cry and fight for them to stay. It is like my mind has to reach a certain point before it will allow me to give up. Friends can insult me and those I love but let them one day cancel a friends night and I suddenly have the ability to never speak to them again. I don’t know why this is or even when the glitch will happen I just know that it does.

It reminds me of glass breaking. Emotions are using contained behind a mirror of sorts. I understand that they are there but it is very muted. I feel them but almost as an after thought. There are days when I have to fake my way through what is going on, smiling when I feel no joy and crying when I feel no sorrow. I am not always sure how to respond to things but  I do my best.

Sadly my best is not always right. There are times when I do not understand that telling a joke is not the best thing to do in certain circumstances.  I get angry over little things when everyone else is having fun. I really don’t know what I am doing or what is going on till it is too late.

I don’t know

There is a small part of me that wants this all to be over. A part of me that wants to stop fighting for excuses to live. But this part of me doesn’t stick around long. Like everything else in my life it tends to fade.


I just want it all to go away.