I beg your pardon

Excuse me!

Yes You!

One who dares to take a glance with a decent hello.

I dare say I am offended

Because you never say a word

Just look around without a care

Not a word to those who sit here

As though we are invisible

Well screw you.

Well…Not really

I wouldn’t say that

But I would if I wanted to!

I mean…probably not.

I could never be that mean.

I beg your pardon for being obscene.

Just go on about your day

And ignore me

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A dream when I am waking

There is a dream I have when I am waking.

I say this because I know that I am asleep

Yet it seems to real that I can’t help to be afraid

In it someone is always dying, always hurting.

Just out if my reach.

I can not help them no matter how I try.

I am to far away from them yet I never give up.

Eventually there will reach a time when I will start to question myself.

Why do I desire to help some unknown person in a dream

Especially since in my waking life, no one bothers to help me?

So I shake my head and pull away

All the while ignoring their screams, begging to be saved.

How to fail

Easy

Just give it.

I know! Simple right.

Wrong!

It is actually really difficult to give up. Even as one is preparing to give up there is always something telling them to fight on. Sure we can attempt to ignore this…voice(?) But that is really hard. Some people in this world actually have to fight to give up.

Sure we can make example after example of people who clearly gave up but will we really?

Do you know how long it took that people to say that they had enough?

And

Sure we have those who never even tried in the first place, but can we honestly say that? Can you really say that at no point in their lives did they try to do or be better. And by better I do not always mean your definition of better. Sometimes it can mean theirs. Because there are people who the world who believe they are doing good but the rest of us are silently shaming them. In their minds they are trying just not in the way we want them to.

So how does one fail?

And in whose eyes are they really failing?

7 Deadly Sins

As a kid I took a lot of personality test. There was a site devoted to them and I spent pretty much all day trying to figure out who I was.

Now this wasn’t your normal ‘Pick a word that best describes you ‘ quiz.

No, this was those quizzes where you tried to figure out what animal best represents you or those quizzes where you got to figure out how emo are you. Personal favorite was me going through all the tv shows to figure out whose personality fit me best. Things that don’t always tell a person who they are exactly. Just fun quizzes that meant the world to me.

Through all of this I took a quiz where it said which 7 Deadly Sin am I most like. I pretty much always got Lust.

I feel like I was a, excuse my language, one bad bitch for getting Lust. Have you seen the representation Lust gets on various TV shows. So that must mean I am somewhat good looking right!?

Well…no. See it wasn’t till I was older that I truly got what the 7 Deadly Sins were…or…are.

It was actually Dantes’ Inferno that set me straight. What a wonderful day that was. 10 years old and discovering sin for the first time thanks to the works of Dante. And by good day I mean I had nightmares for days.

No longer did I want to be associated with Lust. It was scary as hell and I wanted no part of that noise.

I am 24 years old now.

I can’t say that the idea of Lust is anymore appealing but I do know I do have a fatal sin. I know what it is the enemies could use against me.

It isn’t Lust. It was never Lust. It is Envy, Gluttony , and Wrath.

I am envious of those around me. Not to a dangerous point but enough that if people where to read my mind they would hate me. They would judge me. It causes so many problems in my life.

Gluttony. I have a hard time stopping once I have what I want. I cling to it and obsess over it. I must have more and more. I am not good with limits or boundaries and and prone to crossing both to the extreme.

Wraith. My anger can be a ok poison. I am not a kind person when I want to be and it is hard to stop me once I get angry. I will rage for day or even years. I won’t ever forgive or forget.

Now these are my ideas of my sins. These are why I feel this way. I do believe that everyone suffers from all 7 but I also feel that someone people sin in one way over another. Those who are lustful may not always be greedy but they may still live with greed in their hearts.

Much like my childhood fascination with quizzes this may seem silly to some. That’s ok. I am doing this because I know what I need to work on. At least I think I do. These are things that I know that are holding me back in life. I want to change for the better. These sins may never go away, they are already seared into my soul, but at least I have a good idea of where I am going ^-^

A Letter to the day

While going through an old notebook I found a letter I had written to my daughter. It was a true eye opener. In this letter I apologized to my daughter for taking my own life.

As you can see, I didn’t actually do that. I have a lot of letters like this in that notebook. Apology notes to my little girl who was maybe a year old at the time. Right now she is a happy four-year old. I still have these thoughts but not as much as I did back then. Nearly every week I wrote her a new letter asking for forgiveness. I think it is what helped me go on. I felt like I would disappoint her if I did it. Now I know I would devastate her. She loves me. She truly loves me for me. Something no one in this world does. She makes me happy.

 

 

The thoughts are still there but not as they were before.

But I know I can get on even with them in my mind. I know I may eventually heal. It will take time. These letters from my last have shown me this.