My wants

I need to be hated. It is easier to bear. Being loved means disappointment. It means hurting others for the sake of hurting them. It means being left behind when they grow to old or two tired. It means having others give up on you when you rather they stay near.

No

I would rather be hated.

I would rather feel that dark pain then know what love feels like. I can’t take the purity of that feeling. I can’t stand living with the what if.

I rather be hated and know what will happen.

Instead of being loved and constantly guessing.

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In sickness and in health

Warning :self harm, suicidal ideation, bulimia, anorexia, mental disorders.

I got sick today. Like really sick.

And I know what you are thinking, why the hell did I just tell you about my five min date with the butt throne.

Well my dear people I am telling you this because it made me feel good.

Yes as I sat there puking my guts out all I could think of was

‘This isn’t so bad at all. A few months of this and I can finally be pretty’

Even know I sit here trying to make more come up because I want to lose this weight. I want to be skinny because to me that equals beauty. Now I do not hold this standard to everyone. People can be beautiful no matter what their size may be but I can’t. I will never be beautiful. I will never be someone who people want to give seconds looks. I am barely someone they want to see at the corner of their eye.

Not to say I believe me to be disgusting but I do find myself to be distasteful…borderline disgusting.

I hate myself so much that for a mins while getting sick I wanted to keep doing it. I wanted it all to go away. I kept thinking about all the disgusting foods I can shove down my throat just to have a reason to puke.

So I can be skinny

So I can be beautiful.

I will like to make a point to say that I also have the flu or a cold..whatever sickness this is I have it.

So I did not set out for today to puke up my delicious chicken tortilla soup with extra sour cream combined with a to die foe root beer float. I would have actually liked to have been able to digest that, thank you very much.

But once it happened, I felt relief. I felt alive.

This reminded me of something though. It reminded me of my addiction to cutting.

Both of these cause me great pain but in the end they bring me the greatest pleasure.

Through the pain I know that I am alive. I feel powerful. I feel beautiful. I feel as though I can finally see the light. Do you know how addicting it can be to have all that when your normal is constant darkness and paranoia. To finally have some clarity.

I can see the colors!

All the pretty pretty colors.

Sadly,

I know how destructive this can be. I know what it looks like for someone to starve themselves to lose weight. I know what it looks like for someone to accidently kill themselves.

I know the end result of my addiction.

So I don’t follow through with my temptations. No matter how much my mind tells me that I need to.

Instead I wait with anticipation for the next I cut or burn my skin by accident. I await that moment when I can spend hours in the bathroom due to some illness.

I no longer inflict these wounds on myself.

Instead I wait for someone else to do it for me.

All praise mother Gaia and karma.

May they serve me the pain I need to stay alive.

Tattooed across your what? 

So this is a fun story…no really! 

Ok not really. I actually don’t have any cool amazing updates for what has been going on lately. It has all been pretty dull. 

Well as everyone knows I have Bpd. Bpd stands for borderline personality disorder.  Basically it is a messed up disorder that is way to confusing to explain at nearly 3oclock in the morning. 

But I have it and with that I see a therapist. Well my therapist has decided to get another job, my best friend moved away, my family is as toxic as usual, and I have now just started going back to college. 

All in all this is like the worst time to be having a break down but yet here ye lies, breaking the absolute fuck down. 

A constant thing really, that hasn’t quite ended yet despite many hours of Google suggesting that it should have ended months ago. 

It hasn’t and I am losing my mind. 

I know the signs of a break down and they are definitely there. But knowing they are there and actually stopping them do not always work out the way one wants to. 

So this is me trying to piece things together. 

This is my first attempt at being normalish once more. 

My first step back to the twisted sanity that is my mind.

This will be fun.