Professional Loner

Getting rid of

Unfriending

No longer dealing with a negative person.

A simple story of how lies can destroy a person. Ignoring others and lying to get your way is not nice. It is especially bad to do to a friend. So much can go wrong with a little lie, even if it to save your own skin. Never ever pin mistakes unto others.

I do struggle with something like this. I get angry and take it out on others. Such as when something is bothering me I may yell at people who don’t even know whats going on. Or even I may give the silent treatment to a person who is only trying to help. It is a flaw of mine but the one thing I do not do to others and that is lie. To clarify,  everyone lies, no one tells the truth all the time. That doesn’t mean a person likes it. Now when I lie there are times I don’t know it is happening. Someone could ask me about the weather and I will tell them it is raining when it is sunny outside. Usually this is to people who can not confirm it such as those who live out of the country. The lie doesn’t get me anywhere and after it is said I have this inner conversation where I question why I did that. So, I don’t lie intentionally I should say…

Especially to a friend!

Today someone lied to me. Now this wasn’t a full face lie cause it held some truths.  No this was one of those where the person warped the events a bit. They searched for a problem and blew it out of proportion convincing themselves that I had lied. Now, I have BPD, and am the poster child for ruining a good thing for no clear reason other than I can handle the idea of something going right. Even with that I still admit to my faults.

If I fucked up I will say I fucked up no matter how hard it hurts. The key is to catch me fucking up. If I am getting a good grade in school, and someones praises me, I may unintentionally fail the next few test. Didn’t mean to but it got to nice. Too….everything I guess. I do this a lot and that is my BPD.

Still catch me in the act and point it out and I will admit to it (once I fully realize it of course)

So when this person accused me of doing something I didn’t I was surprised. I didn’t do anything to ruin the day and tried to make sure everything ran smoothly. Yet in the end I was left behind and hated. I was judged for things I had no part in. My words where twisted and used against me to justify their beliefs on what had and should have happened. It didn’t matter that I tried to work through the problem (thank you therapy!) No, all my attempts to rectify what happened was ignored. Ignored because they only wanted things to go their way or no way. So I lost a friend over something so stupid. I took the blame for things I did but was still ignored and accused of committing friendecide. I lead it to being killed even though it was the other way around. It was a new feeling to me and I don’t know how to process it.

I thought writing a bit would help. I am not sure it will and what follows doesn’t really make any sense. But I am trying…I guess.

So to the loss of a friend and the discovery of a new path in life.

I guess I was just meant to be a loner. Wonder if I could make a job out of it …yeppers. Professional Loner reporting for duty.

      Blackened skin covered bone sitting by the altar. A sight which all wishes would disappear as heavy hearts clamour near. Everyone is wanting for something, though the general census is that they don’t know what they want. They just want and want and want. Willing to ignore this painful sight. Willing to pretend that it is alright.

They will sprew lies as they see fit. It helps them sleep at night.

Blackened skin covered bone, weeping by the altar. It is ignored by those who clamour because they deem it unfit to be. Lies sprew forth as they seek. Trying, fighting, for their own dreams.

      Nothing wrong with caring for oneself as long as you don’t forget everyone else. Never ignore the blackened bone cause one day it could be your very own.

A status update

Frustrated are we?

Want to fall

Though in simple terms, 

don’t we all?

It won’t take much to feel this regret

Each movement you make just proves

you are about to break

Can you speak? 

Want to try?

Though in simple terms

Do you feel the need to die? 

Slitted flesh rest pleasantly to your side

You’re just a gutted bitch with no place left to hide. 

Hidden cravings

My father ignored me and my mother was never truly there. She showed me love for an instant but then would go back to not giving a damn. Still my father was the better parent, he never pretended. I knew he hated me from the moment of my birth. I could never figure out how my mother actually felt. 

One of my hidden cravings is that hate is ever present. I love it when a person shows me their darker side. When they try so hard to take my life. I love it when they push me away. It is the only thing that is real. By hating me you show me you care. 

My father never really gave a damn. Ignored me as best he could it was my mother that fucked things up by showing me the brighter side of life. She made me smile, always laughing, but in the end even she ended up fading. 

I wish she could have just let me know that I was worthless from the get go. 

My hidden craving is that of rage. I love it when people attempt to break me. Ripe me apart like the trash I am. I can deal with rage, it is nothing new to me. 

See I rather deal with the pain. Knowing I am hated is enough. I rather people not let me see the light before they shower me rust and dust. 

My hidden craving is silence. That I know how to well. I wish people would leave me alone cause the music of life is pure hell. 

At last

Ok this is it. No more games!!!

I am finally going to tackle some of my goals. Starting with reading my already published poems a lot and posting them to YouTube as well as submitting some stuff to a few places. I do not have enough for a book but even just being features in a magazine would be nice.

 

 

I WILL DO THIS…..

 

 

Wish me luck!

IWSG monthly Challenge 2

February 1 post  (sorry for being late) 

How has being a writer changed your experience as a reader?

A question given by IWSG monthly Challenge found here


    Pride is a powerful sin and one I seem to suffer from as a writer. Not that I look down on others for what they have written but there are times I read something and feel I could have done it better. There is something to be changed or deleted altogether. 

    I write some pretty dark stuff that has me Jaded to love. Yet, all I read or romance themed books. Whenever they get to a “dark” part I nearly always get annoyed. 

   They can ruin a good murder or abusive past by adding this sickinly sweet verse like it is an end all. Oh the power of friendship and love can combat anything. Umm no how about the power of my fist inserted into a precious part of your body till you understand true pain. 

   I love romance novels, I love mystery, I love anything fluffy yet dark. Yet I have to much Pride and Envy in myself. 

  I WANT what they have so bad but Want to do it better then they ever could. 
This is something I have to work on. Especially since I haven’t yet gone through the struggle to being published.  

As a side note.

I have been dealing with a lot of death and sickness lately so sorry for the monotone writing.

Sweet held truth

Crushed upon me

A simple printed truth

Scattered across my body

Inked with a dense hiss

Never to forget again

Forever a listless pain

Spent huddled in the mud

Across my soul

Written deep

A truth that one shall never speak

Broken latin

With English thrown in

A curse to all who dare

Laid across my body bare

Spoken yet silent indeed

A truth always apart of me.

A/N

Yea I don’t know either.

Curse of a Christian, Amen

Thank you for your kind words

But I will pray for you

Sinners never seemed to give in

But I will pray for you

My words will float up to the heavens

God is listening in

He will save your lost soul

Cause I have washed my hands

Turned a golden cheek

Smile bright as can be

I will pray for you

But once you leave all will be in vain

Cause you will never cross my mind again.