Pokemon Go

So there is a wonderful new (?) game that is getting people out and about. People who, just like me, may not have always been able to do that. Not to say that every struggles to go outside or be in crowds but a good portion is that way.

I am slightly overweight  (Never lost my baby weight), black, young mom, with horrible anxiety.  The very thought of going outside makes my skin crawl and I just want to get sick on the very person who suggested it. I have a limit on my outdoor adventures. I go to the store only when needed and I am very lucky to have a balcony so that my baby can get her much needed sunlight. When going to get the mail she is able to play for about 30 mins or so to get even more. Plus with her having tons of little friends, I can scurry to their homes and sit inside as she plays outside. 

I don’t have anything against sunlight. I don’t like people though, no, they scare me. 

Lately though, I have found myself to be slowly going outside a bit more. Standing on my porch with my baby and playing with her in the grass a bit more. I point out the world to her without fear of others around us. I used to do that but when people walked by I would try to disappear.  Not anymore!

No I sit there and I love it. I still can’t go to far but the idea of it no longer scares me. 

Pokemon go gave me a whole near reason to explore the world. While trying to find those little creature I was able to find places I had never been before. Would have never gone to had I not wanted to go catch me another eeve. 

Flowers and trees my daughter may have never been able to touch and smell cause I was stuck inside out apartment and their are no flowers near us.
I know many would say I should have done it for her. That I shouldn’t have let a game be the thing to finally get me to see the world. Let me explain it this way though. As a parent, as a single parent, she is my world. She is my life and without her I am basically nothing. I have no personality because I never knew to have one. So I raise my child with pride, but with it comes the inability to discover myself. I have no interest outside of reading at night. No favorite shows, can’t tell you any current songs. Wouldn’t even be able to tell you my favorite song. 

So when this game came out I was excited. I played pokemon as a child but never to this degree. Never where I had to go out and do things. I felt my inner child come alive. I had to realize that I was a person and not just “Ns mom” .

I get to reach my daughter about something I know, something I love, and she likes it. It makes me happy to share my childhood with her. I have been trying so hard to raise her properly that I forgot myself. With this game I was able to discover a few things. I love the sun but hate the heat with a passion. I remember loving how the sky looked before it rained. Walking in the rain and not giving a car about the world. Laughing and singing to loudly. Echos!!! When was the last time you got to help a child discover their echo. 
This game helped me as it had so many others. 

I am not better..I still can’t go out as much or as far but you know what…I can do so many things I hadn’t before. Things are getting easier to handle. 

And I have this game..my inner child…and my very own beautiful daughter to think. 

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Megan

I had someone I loved dearly. A person who had made me smile so much. All through high school I knew this person, but something changed. 

See people love to lie. Once high school end there is no magical reconnection. No one stays in touch. People move away. Go off to college and change. Either maturing are staying their loveable, but distant,  self.

That’s what happened. She matured as I stayed the same. It wasn’t like she stopped talking. No it is was me. I was sick and going through a lot. Homeless and desperate. I didn’t want people to see me like this. 

Still I loved seeing how people lived their lives. Even if we didn’t talk, social media had a way of forcing people to stay in touch. 

Time went past and I heard rumors. 

I didn’t believe them. Didn’t want to believe them. Even as I saw pictures….all I could die was hide and cry. 

I don’t know why I hated myself…I just did. I hated everything about myself. I needed to blame myself for those rumors.

Time passed more and I was forced to face reality. Was forced to realize that my friend was gone. She died from cancer. 
Cancer took my beautiful friend and made her into an angel. 
Those rumors I tried so hard to ignore. The pictures of her hooked to tubes and getting sicker by the minute.  I thought that she would get better. That I would wake up. 

By the time I understood it was to late. To late to tell her I love her. 

To late to ask forgiveness for being so selfish. 

I was selfish to think of things that way. 
In high school we had a game. New freshman were adopted by older students. Taken under their wings and treated like one would treat their son or daughter. Some would even call that upper classmen their parent or uncle/aunt. It was a wonderful game we did.

It came back to bite me though. 
My beautiful friend faded away…my lovely baby girl. 

There is nothing I could do but I wish it had been me. She had a future..I was just some homeless teen without a life to look forward to. She was going to be something..be a someone. 

Instead cancer took her. She was my freshman..she was my junior..my sophomore…my senior…

She is my angel now and I would do anything to bring her back to be my friend again.  

Friends die

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and everyday a friend has died.

Not literally died but figuratively.

See

It hurts to lose a friend. 

Hurts to watch them love someone else and treat you like it never was

Like you never were

Like everything you have done was nothing

Compared to then, you are nothing 

Emotions change

Scenes fade

Forgive and forget is an overused phrase.

Move past and allow them to leave 

For them to smile

For your old friends to wonder away

Forget what it was like to live for yesterday

I lost a friend today

I will lose more as I age

Everyday I will be forgotten

Left behind by those who were to angry to say goodbye

I lost a friend the other day

They turned and walked away

Cursed my love, my very name

Said that even as time change things will never be the same

Lost a friend years ago

Never meant to last

Left without a backward glance

I lost a friend and will lose many more. 

Because of who I am and who I couldn’t be

Blood loss

Death is taking over this world. 

People roaming the streets trying to be heard,

Over the gunshots the riddle the skies

Following down and taking lives

Innocents and victems alike

People are dying 

And yet people are trying

to raise the bar and kill some more

They care not how it looks

Only how the feel

“People better be happy that blacks want justice and not revenge”

And there is someone laying in their own piss and blood

Someone who had loved

Is now dead

Is this your idea of peace

Of walking to protest the lives of those you would otherwise condemn.

A pedophile 

A rapist 

A man 

Killed for the wrong reasons bit still dead

Any other time many would be calling for his head

Wishing he was dead

But now there is an uproar

Now it is a sin

What he did is over turned, no longer matters cause you are one with him.

Sharing in his black skin

Is this all you know of peace

Walking the street and over dead bodies of those who helped you breathe.

Release! 

Why hate and cry thar reverse racism isn’t a thing

When you go around and killing in races names

 Die!  DIE! JUST FUCKING DIE! 

 You cry 

You beg

You taunt as they lay

You don’t care

Just want to march another day.

Forget what others say

How privileges reach everyone

Yes there are those who hate you for who you date

For your race

But do you honestly think things will change

When you kill people to reach such fame

Dead and dying

So many crying 

Feast on their tears

It’s what the deserve 

For what their ancestors did. 

I’m alone

I’m alone. 

No I don’t want to hear how there is a sea full of people who would love me. How I have a child and thus shouldn’t feel this way. How friends and family are there even though they are far away…

No
Fuck that. 

See no, I am alone. And I will always be alone. 

I have accepted this fate. That no one will ever love me enough to stay. See everyone will leave me, even my own child. 

No!
Don’t fucking lie to me and tell me she will need me even after death. Don’t tell me that I am her mother and she will always be there. That’s a lie and you know it.

Don’t tell me I am pretty, smart, kind, funny…

Don’t fucking lie to me and say I have a good heart. 
I am alone. 

I will always be alone.  

I will always be so fucking alone. It hurts…I hate this…I want it to stop and go away.

I don’t want to feel. 

Rip it out and kill it please.
Don’t lie to me and tell me that some day someone will love me when you don’t even love me. When you can’t even stay. 

Who would love a failure. A disgusting stupid piece of unwanted trash.
That’s all I am. 

That’s all I will ever be.

Don’t lie to me. 

Don’t tell me that I need to stop feeling this way. 

Stop trying to lie to yourself, I am done doing the same. 

Stop it…please.

Stop lying to me
Tell me the truth….

That I will always be…lonely. 

Love

A word often used to describe two or more people who care for each other. 

A word I don’t always feel.
I wanted to be 

Wanted to feel. 

Wanted to know that this life was real

Instead I am hated

Instead I drowned

Instead I beaten, dead on the ground.

I hate what I have become

a shell of a person I don’t remember anymore.

Was I ever really happy? 

Or was I always so close to death door.