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Please..hold me. Truly hold me.
I am so tired if being alone. I pretend I am ok but I am not. I pretend like I am alive. That I am well. I am fucking burning!!!
Dead
Dead
DEAD
Everyday everyday I am dine. Forced to go on for your sake. Please just give me a break. Just one little break.
WAIT!!!!
NO  I take it back
Please don’t look at me like that. Don’t judge me right now just hold me close..close..closer still. Let me feel like this is….
REAL?
REALLY!!??
Do you think you would get away with pretending to love me. You lied, you fucking lied. Hurt me over and over with your fucking

I love you. You know I love you right. You are my light..yes please I know I mess up from time to time. Just stick around.
Party has just started.

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The skin I am in

I will never be pale.
I will never have eyes that shine with an inner fire.
I will never be pale.
Instead I will be the black of earth, brand new in all I know, taking for granted by those who look different then me.
Who hate me because I am not pure…pale…
Creme colored skin, mocha in tone
No I will never be one of those
Instead I hate and loath them because they are beloved.
I will never be pale
Instead
I will be the reminder of where we came from and where we will go
I shall never be the color of snow, ivory skin so beautiful
Instead I will be the mud you wipe away on the daily
Strive to be just like me for a minute but realize how ugly it can be.
To be unclean.
To be the color of dirt to be treated like dirt
By the caramel colored brethren who think they are better than them cause they where born lighter
Cause they where born beautiful while my brown skin is hated
Tainted
Berated
Made fun of one second but then I am told to love.
Told to love as others hate me.
Judge my dark skin and tell me I won’t amount to anything.
I will never be like them
I will never be pale
But instead I will bleed a little darker cause my body is damned
I will…
I will never be loved like them.
I will never be…
No matter how much I wish I was lighter
So I could be a better fighter
Better mother to my daughter
So she won’t be teased cause her mother is to black
Her mother, me, will hold her back
Her mocha skin will get her loved
Praised and pitied by those who are just as brown as me.

Updaters

I have been going through a lot. During these times it is easy to abandon the things you love to do. The stuff that makes you so happy that the darkness is kept at bay. But forget one day and it all comes crashing back.
I am working on posting as much as I did before. I think it would benefit me to do that.

Forgive me for I have sinned

I have loved and I have felt
An emotion close to death.
I have struggled till I bleed.
Questioned lies and refused to leave.

Forgive me as I sin because what I feel can be explained as something close to contempt.

To a hatred so full of rage,  not even hell could fathom my pain

Excuse me as I sin again. Curse the name who brought so much shame. Curse to hell over and over again.

So much blood…so much lost. Does it even matter the cost?

When a fellow man stabbed another behind their backs?
Robbed them of a life so dear.

How am I suppose to feel???
Tell me Lord , for I have sinned, and I will do it over and over again.
Damn him to hell for what he has done.

People lie and say he tried to be the perfect son.

Using your name to commit such crimes!
And if this was all right
What does that make me???
Just a mindless sheep lost in despair.
No please God don’t let this be.
Don’t let this man be the key.           

Don’t let him give power to the hate.
To fuel the fires that would destroy heavens gates.
In your name sin was done. Man took the life of a mother’s son.
Said his goodbyes and he huddled and sobbed. Said his goodbyes before his life was robbed.

Please God no more. Stop!
Preachers talking about how this an act of you.
Snatching away the freedom we thought we knew.
Taking stuff

Fighting

Done

Media changes stories as they go along and yet there are moms without their kids, fathers who look back and can’t remember the last time they laughed.
What’s the point in smiling when evil is allowed to be free. Death was welcomed, but the demons thrive, covering, themselves in your holy light.

What say we the sheep who are blamed for our brethren killing in your name.
What say we as we gather close, our children to young to know such a place.
Crying tears and living in disgrace. Because we dared to live by your means when our loved ones and friends are being killed on the streets.

Excuse me Lord as I sin.
As I question how nearly losing a friend is ok to those who spread your words laced with hate. Preaching how this is our fate because we choose to lay with those of the same sex.
Blown away and scattered far
forced to live alone or not live at all.
What life am I suppose to lead?

Why God why?
Why do we allow free speech to turn us into monsters?
Why God? Why!!?

Why am I hanging my head in shame.
Why do I have the urge to forsake your name because others hate me so. Because people take your word and twist it to fit their needs, killing those they deem unworthy to breath. Different zones are destroyed daily.

In your  Lord…in your name

Excuse me as I sin once more.
I don’t know what to do. Instead of uniting we are dividing. Between what’s black and white, no longer grey. No more of this guessing game.
Speak to me my lord, tell me what to do. Cause I am at a loss about why a man would shoot up a place and still people defend him. While I am conflicted with being happy for his death but sad that he didn’t suffer more. What kind of Christian am I to allow this rage to festor and grow. Until I don’t know who I am anymore.

Please Lord. Make it clear what path is right and which path is driven by fear.